Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I think this is what I was warned about months ago

When I was in the hospital, I had someone come by who
was a physical therapist.  I wasn't really sure what I
thought of her.  In some ways, what she wanted, and how
she did things were kind of annoying to me.

At some point, though, she was talking about energy
management and how if I did a lot one day, it might knock
me out for a couple.  She said that I would need to be
aware of that when I got home.

What I don't know, though, because I didn't really ask
for clarification, is whether that mean now, post chemo.
I am kinda thinking in my head that it relates, but I
couldn't say it with any amount of certainty.

What I can say, though, is that it is apparent that the effects
of the chemo linger.  And one of the biggest effects was
being tired.

I have been really busy in the last day, or so.  Busy doing
things, and busy trying to do things.  It is really an effort
for me to think about all of the things I need to do, and
think about all of the people I need to contact.  And it is
taking great effort to figure out how to put a quasi-
professional hat on when I am approaching people I
haven't met before.

I think the biggest energy usage goes toward the extra
effort I have to focus on what I need to do.  Something
I am thinking I have to re-think several times as I
attempt to get it done.

If it is this difficult to explain, imagine how difficult
it is to do.

As has been somewhat usual throughout this, I want to
act like everything is just fine.  But.  It is not.

Oh.  And then I found out that I could be depressed from
the chemo, even now.  That might explain where I went
emotionally recently.  It makes sense though.  Apparently,
according to an energy worker, chemo tends to shut our
chakras down.  When that happens it can make for one
depressed/down person.

But in the midst of everything I was feeling and dealt with,
it hadn't even occurred to me.  Instead I was feeling like
I needed to run away because I was feeling attacked by
people who didn't quite understand where I was, and how
I was feeling.  They weren't given me any space to be me,
to breathe.  There attitude and approach was that I was
doing everything all wrong.  And as restrictive as it was,
I couldn't get past it.

Every week when I would go for chemo they would ask
me if I was depressed.  Now I am not officially being
treated by them.  I am not due back for an official check up
until March.  As I think about it, it seems to me that they
ought to have some mechanism in place to support a
person in the interim, especially since the chemo continues
to affect one for some time after.

Maybe they do have it, but I just don't know about it
because I never once told them I was depressed.  But
it is an interesting question.  The place I go to seems to
be better than most in terms of dealing with people
throughout treatment.  If they aren't saying much about
it (and maybe not doing much about it?) how much are
other places likely to be touching it?

Today I saw an interesting quote.   A cancer survivor
said, "I beat the disease.  But I lost my life."  I can so
totally relate.  I may not have lost my life, but I feel
myself at the edge.  It is why I have been so stressed.
It is why I asked for help so early in my process.  I
did not want to get to this point.  I did not want to be
at the end of my financial rope.

I have mentioned to some about my credit card debt.
They have told me to let it go.  That is easy for them
to say.  One day I am hoping I will need to find a
place to live, and my credit score will matter.  There
may be other reasons it will matter, too.  I can't just
let it go, not unless I absolutely have no choice.

I am still in need of financial help.  I just don't
really know how to ask for it any more.  I am
doing the best I can to move forward, but I might
really need some time.  It could be different if I
get a miracle as miracles transcend limits like time.
If given a choice between the two, I will take miracle.

In the meantime, I am going to go to bed.


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