At least it feels that way.
I was having a moment. I have been having several of them,
actually. And they have been pretty dark.
I would like to think that I have expressed gratitude for things
done for me over the last several months. At the same time,
I have had my less than stellar moments.
When I first contemplated this blog, I was going to be anonymous.
I wanted to be anonymous because I wanted to be able to
express myself freely, without having to edit myself.
That changed when I realized I needed help. I wanted people
to have a way to get to know me. I wanted them to know that
I was real and that my situation was real. I also realized that
it would be a way to let others know what was going on with
me since I wasn't often able to be in contact.
Going public wasn't easy for me. I have been a very private
person, and also it was no small thing to consider sharing the
parts of me that would seem less than stellar. What would
you think of me?
But then I also thought that maybe my sharing so frankly and
bluntly would possibly be helpful for others.
I have had some pretty dark moments in my life, and somehow
I have managed to get through them. But those dark moments
have had thoughts that never extended past the borders of my
own mind.
This time is different, and it sucks more than you might ever
know.
I have been through so much, and feel like I still have a
mountain to climb. I am exhausted. And I am confused.
And I am working things out with others scrutinizing me.
Is it no wonder why we don't tell people what we really think?
Maybe whoever you are that is reading this is so perfect you
haven't had those moments. Maybe you can't relate. Maybe
you have no idea why I would have the thoughts I have, or why
I might be borderline depressed.
If so, or if you have all the answers you ever needed for you and
anyone else you ever know...good for you.
But that is not where I am. And that is not me. And right now
I am questioning everything. My friend offered me, "what you
focus on expands" in her comments. Well, if she read my blog,
she would have seen that I am questioning things like that.
How do we KNOW that is true? How do we know anything is
true? And even if it is true, maybe this is a place I need to be
right now to get whatever I need to get for my next step, or
for whatever comes next.
In addition, I have explained how my mind isn't totally working
right. She might have considered that maybe things didn't come
out quite right because I am not thinking totally clearly these days.
I did not re-read what I wrote. I might have considered changing
a few things, if I had.
If there is any doubt in anyone's mind that I am grateful for what
has come to me in the last few months, please please please know
that I am grateful for every last thing. However this moment is
not the past, and in this moment I am aware of my frustrations.
By voicing them, I was hoping to help to understand and/or
release them.
It is taking everything I have not to retreat in totality. I really am
emotionally wrecked. And if you ever have been emotionally
wrecked, you know that being logical is rarely helpful.
I leave you with the last paragraph of my comment response:
Judge me all you want, and criticize the bumps I have in my
road. I hope you never have to deal with what I have dealt
with so you can not only see the things about yourself that
are ugly and lacking but that others will be more than happy
to point the things out to you that they think are ugly and
