Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I Don't Know What to Title This

Today has been one hell of a day.

Part of me wonders if I should even
continue this blog.  Part of me wonders
if I should make this blog private.

I feel so emotional and battered right
now.  Maybe there is nothing major
that has seemed to happen, but when
one has had things accumulate, even
the smallest of things can be entirely
too much.

I saw a video by someone earlier who
said he was making it because he
wanted to - for him.  I could so totally
relate.  I really would rather someone
not comment on things than say things
to me that aren't helpful and even

Everyone is wherever they are, though.
That is what I think makes being human
so difficult sometimes.  How do we
balance what others think and what
others think of us and what what we
think and what we think of others?

That mess of thinking can cause an
large amount of problems, as everything
could be out of synch.

I am doing the best I can.  And I am
doing it in the best way I know how.
I realized today that perhaps I haven't
had an abundance of gratitude in this
blog, but I would like to think that it
has been where it matters - directly
with the people who have helped me.

Just because I am not doing things as
someone else would like or expect
doesn't mean it isn't getting done.

Just because I am not in a good place
doesn't mean someone else has a right
to come along and tell me that I need
to be in some other place, and be some
other way.

This is the exact thing I keep talking
about.  Maybe we just are where we
are.  Maybe we need to be more
tolerant of where others are, whether
we like it or not.  Maybe we need to
understand that people are however
they are, and that it is OK.  Maybe if
we feel we need to be acknowledged
in some way, we need to address it
with the person without judging them
for where they are in the totality of
their life.  The baby does not equal
the bath water.

We never truly know what another
person is dealing with.  If I forgot to
thank someone, it would not surprise
me, given how many things I forget
these days.  Would I like it?  NO.
Would I want to rectify it?

If I was given a chance to thank
someone that I hadn't, I would in a
heartbeat.  It is not a part of me not
to.  I appreciate everything that someone
has done for me, and I would want to
be sure they knew it.

And I think anyone who truly knows
me knows that about me.

I can't stand the way things are in my
mind - and my experience - at the
moment.  For as much as I would like
to be OK with it, I have varying degrees
of success.

If you haven't been in my situation, you
may not realize how hard it is to be OK.

Many times I interact with people who
act like I am just fine.  They treat me
like someone who is OK in general, but
just not OK in the moment.

From what I can tell, the chemo has
affected how my brain works.  I don't
know all the details, but from what I
understand, it has altered it...hopefully

I am NOT OK in general.  I am NOT
even me.  Well...I kinda am me, just
not the me I once was.  And when people
interact with me, I can't always take where
they want to go.  It is difficult to listen to,
even when I know it is well intentioned.

And there are times I get really emotional
over it because I really feel like they just
don't understand.  And they feel like I
don't understand, so they dig in their heels
even more because obviously I don't get
the point they are trying to make.

It really feels like hell sometimes.

On top of everything else, I have been
thinking more about "A," and I am upset
about the fact that he let things go on.
I feel like I might have been an unnecessary
burden to him.

If he had only told me how he felt, I
likely would have said thanks, but no
thanks.  I really think he could have
come to resent being there for me, and
I hate that.

If that was the case, it was so avoidable.

I realize you can't always know if
someone really means what they say,
but that is where I think good
communication could come in handy.

If only he could have told me the
truth, maybe it would have freed him
up, and he still could have been there
for me.

Instead he has all but disappeared,
and seems to be in a defensive state.

I could be totally wrong about all of
this, but without his communication
I have no way to know what is the
"truth" of the situation according to

Which just leaves me with my version
of the story.

Maybe that is one of the best reasons
to communicate.  Maybe when we know
what another person is truly thinking
it opens up possibilities that wouldn't
otherwise exist.  Maybe the world gets
a bit bigger.


I think there is a potential difficulty,
though, when what another person
thinks is a judgment of us.  I wonder
what it would be like if we could
speak our truth without focusing on
another, without overlaying our truth/
experience on another and without a
concern for being judged.

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