I have a profile on a website that says I am looking
for friends. I say "friends" because given everything
I am going through, I don't know that looking for
anything else is a good idea - especially in that
context. At the same time I think that if I was
going to get into a relationship, it might not be bad
place to start.
With all that was going on with "A," I hadn't been
there in months. Recently I went back, more as a
form of distraction more than anything else.
If I am honest, I was so grateful that "A" was in my
life pre-diagnosis, because he knew me before
everything, he knew me with hair, and it also meant
that I wouldn't have to post-diagnosis have to figure
out how I was going to tell someone new about all
that I have been through, and that I no longer have
the beautiful hair in the pictures and now wear a wig.
I wouldn't have to deal with an already difficult
situation getting even more so.
I imagine it would scare away more than a few
people. In the past, I could accept if someone didn't
want to be with me for other reasons, but this one
is a bit harder to deal with. This one is also new,
so I am also touchier about it, too. Other things
have been around long enough for me to have my
peace in regard to them.
It doesn't help that most of the guys on the sites
have attitudes, and approaches that aren't the most
inviting. I also get a lot of guys in their young 20s
looking mostly for a good time, wink.
The older guys tend to think that "friend" is also
an open invitation for casual sex. If you aren't
looking for a "commitment," then you must want
Over the years, I have tried a myriad of things. I
have often heard you need to get "out there," so
I tried to do just that. One time I was on a phone
dating line, and for a month anyone who wanted
to meet me, I met.
Boy was that an adventure. But not in a good way.
So many times it was either something really crazy
that happened, or things that seemed interesting on
the phone just fell flat in person.
It happened so much that I decided after a time that
if I was going to meet someone, I was going to do
it ASAP to minimize any disappointment from an
actual meeting. At least the person and I would
know if anything was possible before building up
(As an interesting side note, I met "A" through the
internet, but didn't do that with him. It was a while
before we met in person.)
I am not sure why I am telling you all of this. I
guess it is just on my mind. I recently received an
email from someone on the site that was just so
"lovely" I had to share.
Since my profile is lengthy, I say something at a
point about wondering how far someone reading it
will get. The person saying what he did starts out
by referencing that (which is why I mention it.)
This person who is obviously interested in meeting
me, and wants to make an impression said, (I hope
you are ready for this)
"How far can I get? Hopefully all seven inches
after treating you to at least eight orgasms, to start.
Im (sic) not a beauty prize but I know how to treat
and satisfy my woman."
You know how interested I was after that, don't you?
It sucks to be alone, but I think it sucks more to have
to deal with people who aren't anywhere even near
where my mindset is. I know it is a slice of society.
But there are many slices that aren't too far off from
So many people full of themselves. Too many who
don't know how to communicate. I am wondering if
I am sounding judgmental. Am I judging? Or am I
just stating my experience?
I would like to think the latter.
It was hard before all of this for me to relate to those
who are all about what their money can buy or what
piece of ass they can get. For a long time I have
valued what more life could offer. For a long time
I have seen a bigger picture. For a long time I
wanted something that seemed out of my reach.
In some ways being an optimist, I have kept trying.
But it takes a lot of energy. Energy that I don't really
have these days.
I once heard a story about how our future mates don't
just show up at our door, but then there was a case
in which it actually did happen that way.
So while I have said I want friends right now, if I
knew where to place my order for "The One,"
I would in a heartbeat.
I truly feel that when I meet "HIM," the dynamic
we have will be amazing. I sometimes wonder if I
am only dreaming or fooling myself. Sometimes I
wonder if I will die and that vision will be left
For the things I have been "right" about, there are
things that I thought would happen that I couldn't
have been more wrong. It seems to me a cruel
trick to have these ideas and desires (not just in
a relationship realm, but others as well) and not
know what to do to find or make the pieces that
have them fulfilled.
Questions, questions, and more freaking questions.
Happy Happy Joy Joy.
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