I had a strange dream. It was a scary dream.
I had signed a lease on a place, and someone who
used to be 1 of 2 roommates had to live with me.
It felt a bit like college, so it seemed I really did
not have a choice.
Neither one of us I think were happy about it,
but I didn't really see her for the most part. But
then she showed up, and apparently were going
to have a bunch of people who were going to visit.
This was after I had a number of my nieces visit.
It was a bit confusing at one point, because I saw
their writing in places it shouldn't have been,
like around the door to the place. When I noticed
it, I noticed that the lock that was at the top of
the door was broken off. I was thinking I had to
ask to have it fixed, but how was I going to explain
how it got broken? Where was I when it broke?
I felt like I was somehow responsible, but I
couldn't imagine how or when it happened.
The next thing I knew I was trying to open the
door to leave. I was trying to open it outward,
and there was a chain lock on the other side of
the door that seemed to prevent the door from
opening fully, but it still seemed that it could open
about a foot, or so. It seemed like it might be
enough for someone to try to squeeze through.
At that point I was scared. I was scared because
now I was with someone who didn't want to be
with me (and the feeling was mutual - we never
really got along when we were living together)
and it seemed like I was in Hell.
There had been talk of the world ending, and I
got to thinking that maybe those who said that
the world was going to split, instead of end were
right. The world split, and now I was trapped
in Hell.
The apartment was a big mess, too, and I started
to try to clean up things. I found a bad of breads
that were moldy. I was like, "oh yeah." I had
forgotten I had them. I felt like there was so much
that I was forgetting lately.
There was another point in which some people were
coming to the apartment. I don't remember who
they were supposed to be, but they were like
inspectors of some sort, I think. I was trying to
have things be as normal as they could be, and
was hiding some stuff before they got there.
Last night I had a dream that a shuttle was taking
someone to a car repair place for them to pick up
their car. Apparently my car was there, too, but
no one knew what was wrong with it. I wasn't
expecting any answers at the moment, but it didn't
even seem the car was visible.
Lots of dreaming of being limited, trapped, and
out of control. Hmm. I wonder why. Why, given
my circumstances, would I feel any of those things?
I had also questioned in the first dream I mentioned
what I had done "wrong" to deserve this reality.
What would I have had to do differently to have
been one of the ones who got to the positive place?
As I write these things, I am a bit emotional. It
would seem that unconsciously I have questions
I wasn't aware of consciously. After all, I never
once consciously had thoughts like these about my
situation. Maybe it was being numb. Maybe it
was not wanting to know. Maybe I knew but
just buried it with everything that has happened.
In the first dream I didn't know how I was going
to make it. Death didn't seem like it was going to
come.
Oh, I just remembered something else. I was watching
a video/tv? and there was a report about how in the
"new" world that I was in there no longer was going
to be a treatment for cancer, among other things.
The attitude was an "oh well for you" if you have
cancer.
For a moment I got scared. What if cancer came
back? I wouldn't be able to be treated. What would
I do? I remember thinking I just have to do what I
can to make sure that I don't get it again.
So I was in a Hell, and I didn't want to be there. The
only way out seemed to be death, but I didn't want
to die, but if I got cancer I would die, and I was scared
because I didn't want to die.
Makes perfect sense to me.
That, too, seems to be my predicament: I feel like I
am in a form of Hell, and I can't see a way out. I
have wondered what it would be like to die. At the
same time, given an "opportunity" to die, I chose to
live and do what I could to be without cancer.
And...interestingly as well, the "oh well for you"
attitude has at times seemed to be my experience
of people's attitude in relation to me. Part of my
"treatment," I'd say, is being able to do the things
that I love and am able to do. The problem seems
to be, though, that I can't seem to be "treated"
that way.
Treatment is like my work, and I can't seem to
get any "work." Since I was thinking I just have
to make sure I don't get cancer again, it was
like me saying I have to make sure I get some
work.
But in my mind, in the dream, I thought it, but
there was a question. There was doubt. I wasn't
sure how I could do anything. I really felt like
others had the control.
Maybe this is something telling me that even
if I don't feel so strong and confident about
things, *I* am in control, not "others."
I am thinking there was more, and that there
is likely more of a message, but that is all I've
got for now.
Fascinating how often what you could say of
a dream, or what you felt in a dream, is how
you truly perceive something while you are
awake.
I have had the opportunity to do interpretations
with others and their dreams (as a life coach
and hypnotist). It can be like putting a
puzzle together, at times frustrating and at
times rewarding.
As awful as that dream was, it was kinda
cool to figure things out. Maybe I should
just consider it an unconscious purge of
things forgotten - just like that bad bread.
And yet one more thing occurs to me.
Bread is a food that helps to sustain us,
and feeds us. I never got to eat that
bread, but I still had to deal with the
mess that it was when I saw it.
Maybe there are things that I never directly
took in that still have affected me, and
they are things that I also need to purge
and let go of.
It didn't seem I needed the bread,
and I certainly didn't need the bad
bread. (Could bread be energy?
Bad bread=bad energy?)
I am thinking there may be more to
this, and I will have to definitely
remain open to figuring it out. Any
which way I go...I am fascinated
by these dreams.
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