I was listening to Christmas music earlier, and was
getting down. It occurred to me as I listened that
I may have made an unconscious association between
the music of the season with the times I have been
sad over the holiday.
Even when I was in a relationship with someone,
Christmas was never "fairy tale" magical for me.
One year my then boyfriend was acting like he
wanted to get me something lingerie-like for
At the time I was not very confident in myself, and
had ZERO desire for him to get me anything along
those lines. I kept telling him that if he was thinking
about it, he should think about something else.
He kept denying it/not saying anything. And the
closer we got to Christmas, the more unsettled I was
about what he might do.
Christmas Eve arrived, and we went to exchange gifts.
He gave me a box. When I opened it - to my surprise -
it was a bra and panty set from Victoria Secret. There
was also a gift certificate for a restaurant for us to go to.
Can you imagine how happy I was about it?
I tried to keep an open mind. He handed me a second
box. Same size. Same shape. I opened it. And what
to my wondering eyes appeared...another panty and bra
set. And another gift certificate.
I was so much happier still. I bet you knew that.
So happy, we got into a fight.
I don't remember exactly what happened, until the next
day that he handed me two more boxes that were exactly
the same size and shape of the first two. He couldn't have
Well. Yes. Yes. He could.
I opened the boxes, and received...you guessed it...two
more sets and two more gift cards.
Now. Some of you might think what is so wrong with
what he did? He, as a point of fact, had been very proud
of himself for what he had done. He also pointed out that
he had spent a good deal of money.
To me, the big part of it was my constant telling him NOT
to do it. If someone tells you something, might you want
to take them at their word, especially after telling you not
once, not twice, but several times?
And, even then. If you are still going to do what he did,
might you consider doing it as a PART of things, instead
of replicating something undesired several times?
That was all I got from him for Christmas that year.
Just a suggestion to anyone reading this: If someone you
care about tells you something, you really might consider
listening to him/her, if you want to make them happy.
Sadly, in part to be spiteful, and in part because of my
discomfort, I am not sure he ever saw me in any them
because I don't know that they were ever worn.
The dynamics of that relationship were messed up, big time.
We were together a lot longer than we ever should have been.
Everything that was wrong in that relationship was MY fault
- according to him.
He never wanted to go to therapy as a couple. But I should
go for myself. He did, however, go a few times. In one of
the sessions I found out something that made me not trust
him early in our relationship was something he did because
he was trying to take care of me. If he had only told me what
he was doing/why he was doing it, it would have helped
If only we knew how to truly communicate with each other,
it might have made a world of difference. And then again,
maybe things would have still ended.
A few years after we split, I came to the realization one day
that I DID have issues when we were together. I realized that
if I had been more open to experiencing him and the things
that affected him, maybe we would have been able to be in
a different dynamic together. I had stopped pointing the
finger at him, and started to look more at myself. I even
was on the phone with him at one point, crying, apologizing
for how I had been.
Even though I learned a thing, or two, from my perspective,
I never totally let him off the hook. It takes two to tango.
He still did things that would not have worked for me, and
things that drove me crazy, and things he never should have
If I had been different, maybe he would have been, too.
As they say hindsight certainly gives you an advantage you
can no longer use. Well, they don't say it like that, exactly,
but that is what happens. I could not use the hindsight in
relation to him. If anything, it gave me something to
consider going forward.
I learned a lot from the things in that relationship that didn't
work, but only after I was no longer at their effect. While
I was in it, it was very difficult for me to separate myself
from them. It took a lot for me to leave him. But I did.
But it still wasn't over until he finally left me.
There is much more to the story. But I don't think it is
worth going into now. Maybe one day. I had no idea
when I started this I was going to head in this direction.
But I am here now.
Funny how that goes, sometimes.
Never know where your unconscious mind will take you
when you give it the keys. :P
On a lighter note, it snowed today. It was beautiful, even
though it isn't cold enough for it to stay or accumulate.
I filmed a bit of it. Maybe you will enjoy it. It may seem
silly that I did. But having lived in southern California for
4 years, I really missed snow. It was beautiful.
Have a wonderful Christmas Eve,