Last night I wrote this on Facebook:
I refuse to let disappointment cloud goodness. I refuse to let my mind contort things to make me feel better. I refuse to allow myself to doubt myself because things didn't work out the way I wanted then to. If I had known the ending before I began, there would have been the potential to miss out on a lot of wonderful things in an effort to avoid pain. By seeking to avoid pain, I will also avoid love, and other forms of goodness. I refuse to look at this situation as anything but a gift. I remind myself that people are only doing what they think best for themselves at any given moment.
I wrote it because I am struggling. I have
noticed how my mind tries to focus on the
bad of something so that I can feel OK
about how it turned out.
In doing that, it takes away from all of the
good that was present. I noticed it, and
It sucks, too, that I am second guessing
things, and trying to figure out things that
I have no hope of figuring out, and I am
turning all of that frustration inward. How
could I have avoided it all? Why didn't
I know better?
So in two ways - one focused outwardly,
and one focused inwardly - I am finding all
kinds of negative things to not only make
myself feel better (ironically by making me
feel worse), but also possibly set me up in
ways that aren't in any way beneficial to
what I want in my life.
That is why I decided to try to shut my mind
up. That is why I said those things. There
was a lot of good in the situation that I am
struggling with, and it makes me so sad that
it is easier - and in some ways more desirable -
to focus on the negative than all of the
incredible parts and pieces.
I suspect it is all a ploy to avoid feeling the
pain and disappointment of a situation that
didn't go the way I wanted it to, and possibly
discourage me from ever finding another
outlet to pain and disappointment again.
The thing is, though, that every time I allow
myself to look past the pain, and I open myself
up to potential hurt again, I find greater levels
of love and understanding in the process.
I am thankful for all that I have learned and
all that has helped me grow. But I would
really love it if I could just have some real
peace in regard to what keeps happening, or
it could stop happening, and allow me to
grow through growth and the "life" of a
situation instead of its "death."
There is more to this. I can feel it bubbling,
which sucks because I just took some NyQuil
and Melatonin, and I can feel them kicking in.
I am not feeling well, again. I just hope it is
a bump and not a pothole. I am uninterested
in going to the doctor again. For antibiotics
I guess I am off to sleep. Maybe my dreams
can help me sort through this.