Tuesday, December 11, 2012


I feel like I am in such a negative place, and it feels
like it is growing darker.  I wonder how much of
what I am feeling could be of my own making.

At the same time, I have a lot of questions about the
things people say they believe.  So many times in
my life I have put intention, focus, and much of me
into a desire, only for it never to occur.

Marianne Williamson (I think) says we are never
given a heart's desire that we can't fulfill. Well, I
have had many heart's desires that have been left
unfulfilled.  And, it is not like one day they will
be fulfilled because there are things that have
happened that make them impossible.

I say this last part because people will tell me,
"They haven't been fulfilled - yet."  There are
some things that never will have a yet.

I think about where I am and how ugly it is, and
I am in some ways not surprised that people might
want nothing to do with me.  Quite frankly, I don't
know anything that anyone can do to "fix" my
emotional or mental state or outlook on what
things look and feel like at the moment.

What they could do is help me get back on my feet.
Help me to find ways to make money, as it would
seem that there are those who have no ability or
interest in contributing financially.

The thing is that it ain't happening.  What is
happening is judgments of me and the things I say,
which is the reason I never would have put myself
out there in the past the way I have in the present.

Life is hard enough for me right now.  I don't need
people picking apart where I am emotionally.  I
don't need people telling me things to do that tell
me that they don't have a clue of how I am, and how
I am affected.

Some have told me to go to support groups.  I told
someone who told me that that I don't see how that
is going to help.  I have felt from the start that that
is not the way I want to go, and I think I need to
trust that.  When I override things that I feel this
strongly about, I am usually sorry.

Maybe I would be around people who understand
what I am feeling and going through, but I will still
have people around me who don't have a clue that
I still have to deal with.

In addition, I get the feeling that I am meant to be
in places in my life that you would not expect me
to be.  If I am expected somewhere, it is likely that
I would go some other place instead.

If we are always among those who think like us,
then how do we grow?  How do we learn?  I think
some environments breed conformity and while
there may appear to be thinking, the community
thought may think for them.

The problem is that being on the outside often is
like swimming upstream.  It is going against the
prevalent tide.  Some would say don't do it.  They
would say "go with the flow."  But then it seems
that those who are unwilling to go with the flow
are the ones that bring things to us that we would
never have gotten had they not had the ability and
willingness to be different, to stand out, to go
against the tide.

It seems to me that the self help culture has the
possibility to be as limiting as the non self help
culture.  Any which way you slice it, there are
those who will label, and when you label, you
define and when you define you limit.

In the last several years, I feel like I travelled to
the different spectrums of thinking and I am not
sure that any is any more right - or wrong - than
any other.

I think that we have come to a place in our culture
in which we are extremely divided.  The thought
of two sides divided against the middle comes to
mind.  I think that is what it is, any way.

There is so much extreme thinking.  So much
labeling.  So many assumptions.  It seems there
is something of a desperation to figure things out
and lock them in that we lose sight of other things
that don't fit the parameters.  And those things
could have value - if only we were willing to see

Before I was diagnosed life wasn't easy.  There
were challenges that I didn't know how to meet.
There are even more now.  And I even stepped
outside of my comfort zone and became public
with my experience and asked for help.

Nothing magical happened.  I wish I could
report my world suddenly, magically looked and
felt and was experience in a different way.  I wish
I could say that people came out of the woodwork
to help me.  I wish I could say that because I
finally opened up, the world opened to me.

But I can't say any of those things.

Is it my "fault" that things are how they are?
Some might suggest that it is.  Some might say
my attitude has created my reality.

My reality was not this negative when I started.
I was open to possibility.  I acknowledge the
fact that I am still standing now, and am grateful
for those who helped me get here, but there seems
to be something standing in the way of more.

I keep thinking about the time before I was diagnosed
and how I said what I did about not being here.  I
keep thinking about how I had an "out," and I didn't
take it.  I keep thinking about a lot of things, and have
been second guessing myself a lot lately.

There have been times in my life when I have extended
myself for others, even others I did not know.  I spent
my time and energy trying to help.  Once there was
someone who had a desperate situation, and needed
a heart transplant.  I did everything I could to try to
support him and his sister and to create awareness
around his situation.  I also spent my time and energy
creating a personalized hypnosis recording for him,
hoping that in some way it would help him.

I think about these things, and I wonder what it would
take for someone to step up for me.  I was never asked
to do what I did for him, but it spoke to me.  I have
also often had the thought that if I was ever in need,
it would be great if others would step up for me.

I didn't do what I did to get anything in return.  It was
done without an expectation.  So it is not that I am
saying that because I did x, now people should do y
for me.  But what I am doing is wondering what it is
about me that is so different?


If I am not so different, why is my experience of this
so damn painful and lonely and whole bunch of other
things?  I feel so helpless sometimes.

Is there something I don't know or don't understand?
Is there something I am supposed to come to understand
by having this experience?

I can't imagine that I am the only one in the world who
feels this way.  It is something that I have felt shades of
before, but nothing as deep and as painful and as
devastating as this.

Provided I find my way to another place, and I can again
begin to feel like being here means something, I would
imagine I would have something to offer others in the
way of help or perspective or at the very least understand
myself where they might be, even if I can't do a damn

I need to get to that other place, though, and I don't have
a clue how to get there.  I am doing the only things I can
and know how to do right now.  But at the same time,
I am swimming on the surface of my life.

If you could see the backstage of my life, you would
see a mess. You would see papers everywhere.  You
would see chaos.  I haven't been able to do much of
anything for months.  My "feeling down" might be
borderline depression at this point.

I so desperately want to be numb, but know that being
that way won't help.  I do this dance inside of myself
wondering where the best place is for me.  I hear all
kinds of voices in my head.

They're not like "crazy" voices, but more like the voices
we all have.  The voices of society, of our teachers,
our parents, our clergy, our friends.  So many times
those voices have a bigger say than our own because
they're a lot louder.

I find myself wondering what is truly right.  I find myself
wondering what it is that I truly believe.  I find myself
wondering where I stand in this bigger picture called life.

At the moment I might as well be in a big, open field
in the middle of no where.  I feel so incredibly alone,
despite the fact that I have attempted to reach out.

I told someone recently that I can't even give my stuff
away.  She thought I meant something was holding me
back.  In actuality, even when I have made free offers,
people haven't taken me up on them.

I just don't understand.

I have asked God, angels, guides, whatever powers there
may be in the universe that may know better than me, and
have more understanding, for help.  I have begged.  I
have pleaded.

I am tired.

Before asking for your help, I was asking for theirs.  Do
they exist?  I have about as much a clue as you do.  At
the same time, I will take any and all help that I can.

What I am about to say may sound strange, but at this
point, so what?  Someone I knew had a guide.  It was her
primary guide, and apparently he and I had some sort of
relationship, too.  I just wasn't aware of it.

He supposedly was spending time with me and my guide,
trying to help me out.  At some point, I was in a deep
emotional place and said something about him that was
something to the effect that I didn't know what to believe
about him and things.

Apparently I offended him.  And he backed away/off.

I found that interesting.  Apparently he was in some ways
like human beings.  He wasn't allowing me to be where
I was.  I wasn't allowed to have questions.  I wasn't
allowed to doubt.

I guess I was just supposed to believe.  Now, there were
many things about the situation that were pretty amazing.
And it had me thinking and curious.  But I was dealing
with so much more that I didn't understand and was
affecting my day to day life, and I couldn't handle it.

I broke down in a big way.

Why do I tell you this?  Because even in reaching out for
beings in the planes that are invisible to my naked eye,
I am finding things that are questionable.  I am finding
things that only add to my questions.

I feel as though there is supposed to be more to my life.
I have felt that for a very long time.  It seems like a huge
tease not to be able to access it.  It seems like a huge
tease to feel like there is something and not be able to
use it and be it and do it.

It would be a lot easier to be a life drone.  Get up and
go to work, earn minimum wage, and find a sparse room
somewhere to live, unaware that there is any more to life
that what I had.

But I know more.
I feel more.
And yet I can't seem to do more.

I have been thinking that maybe I should back off from
being as public as I have been.  I am thinking that I will
still post here, but that I will stop sharing on Facebook.

In that way, I will be less in people's faces, and anyone
who wants to continue to see what I go through can just
come and visit here.

A part of me would like to go silent all together, but there
is another part that disagrees.  I wish I knew why.  A part
of me thinks there really is no point.

But I get the feeling that what I write will matter at some
point, to someone.  I get the feeling that there is a reason
that I am doing this.

I just wish someone would let me in on it.

It really is odd how strong some of my feelings are.  I just
wish I knew if they were "right."  After all, I had feelings
about "A" that turned out to be wrong.

I wish I knew when my feelings were the kind of feelings
I should listen to and would be to my benefit and when
they were the kind of feelings that would wind up
appearing to be to my detriment.

I want to re-read this, but I don't have it in me, so hopefully
it makes sense and is without too many typos.  This was
definitely a purge for me.

I think I might feel a bit better, but all I want to do now
is sleep.

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  1. No-one stepped up REALLY!! Where is your gratitude and appreciation for all your sister has done for you? I know I have not done much but I did travel to PA to see you. What about the person who paid for you to go to Vegas. All the people who have given you money on GoFund Me.
    You know the saying "what you focus on expands" I think if you focus more on what you have been given and how many people have helped you versus the constant lack you focus on you not only will feel better but the good will expand.

  2. I never said no one stepped up. What I said was that no one could help with the emotional place I am in. Yes I said that ain't happening right now because that is the way it feels to me. RIGHT NOW.

    This blog was me in the moment that I was writing. Your response was exactly the kind of response that is difficult to hear when there is already a large mass sitting on my chest and in my heart. And it doesn't help.

    If you read my blog, you see how grateful I am for the things that people have done for me. There is no question in my mind that there are things that have been done, and helped me get to where I am now when I couldn't see how I would in May.

    But if you read my blog, you also see the human part of me that struggles. Struggles and has questions about life and about how things are. It is me thinking out loud.

    I don't know about you, but I think many people have their less than stellar moments. I have just chosen to say mine to the world in recent months.

    It was a risk I took because I never wanted people to know the mess that was in my head at times. I was less than perfect before all of this, and the tough situation I have been in hasn't helped in any way. And on top of that, if what I say doesn't come off just right, it might also be because of the state of my mind these days.

    Judge me all you want, and criticize the bumps I have in my road. I hope you never have to deal with what I have dealt with so you can not only see the things about yourself that are ugly and lacking but that others will be more than happy to point the things out to you that they think are ugly and lacking, too.

  3. I was not judging you I was just shocked about much you complain about what people are not doing.
    To be quite honest I really do not see or hear much appreciation or gratitude, I suppose that really has me be a little mad at you - sorry if comes across as you feel judged.

  4. If I haven't thanked you, or anyone else, I am sorry. I have done my best to thank people for the things they have done. I have done it on my GoFundMe page with most of my statuses (at least I think I have) and I have personally tried to thank each person who has contributed to me. The person who sent me to Vegas got LOTS of thank yous.

    If I haven't publicly put things that much here in my blog, then I am sorry if I am not doing my blog in the way you think is right. It is a place for me to talk about what is on my mind. It is kinda like a diary that others get to read.

    I want to say more. But I don't know what. I am not going to disagree with you, as I said in this entry I am in a dark place. Dark places don't often offer clear sight. I am also afraid. Fear doesn't exactly give the prettiest things to focus on, either.

    I have been thinking about how negative things might have been sounding here lately, but at the same time, it is where I have been. It is honest, even if ugly.

    I am not perfect. I do the best I can. And sometimes it may not look the way I (or anyone else) would want it to.

    For anyone interested, prior to this comment, I wrote another blog re these comments -> http://anewme515.blogspot.com/2012/12/judge-me-all-you-want.html