Several years ago I was in a dark period, too.
I was starting to hear about how we can
"create our reality." And how language can
create our emotions and affect how we feel.
I decided to try something. I decided that
every time I was upset (and there were MANY
times during that period that I was) I would
say, "Isn't life wonderful and great?" and
put a smile on my face.
It didn't matter if I meant it, or if I felt it,
I would just do it over and over and over.
I was even in my car screaming it one time.
Another time I was walking to my car doing
it, and remembered thinking if anyone could
see me, they would likely think me a crazy
Did it help?
It would help me work through stuff in the
moment. Maybe in the grand scheme of
things it added to the balance sheet because
in time things improved.
But was there a cause and effect? Or was it
I ask these questions because so many times
I have intentionally set out to create something,
only to be disappointed.
Some tell me how my life is exactly about
what I want. After all, I have done some things
that I wanted, like move to California.
As I think about it, California wasn't anything
I set out to create. It just seemed to happen.
Just like moving to the east coast a couple of
years ago also just seemed to happen.
Why is it that the things I set my eye on don't
just "seem to happen"? Those who talk about
energy and creation would say to set your
intention, and do exactly what I was doing.
But it seemed to be netting me opposite results.
But then if I let some things just go, it seems
like some things don't happen, and it would seem
that it is because I didn't focus and set my
Do you see why I might question things, and
why this would seem to be confusing for me?
Having said that, after my episode a few years
back I started telling people about what I had
done. I explained that I knew I was "fooling
myself" by doing what I was doing.
At the same time, if they were "just" words, and
there was no energy behind them, what difference
would it make if I chose "good" ones as opposed
to ones that weren't so good? And...if by any
chance, there was any "truth" to our ability to
have an impact on our reality, I would be hedging
my bet by going in the "positive" direction.
I haven't been doing that now. If you have been
reading what I have been writing, and saying, it
would be quite obvious to you that that hasn't been
Sitting here, not sure what to make of it. Sitting
here, wondering if I should go back to that
exercise. Sitting here, a part of me not giving
a damn. Sitting here, not so happy about how
hard it is to do anything in general, much less
this. Sitting here, thinking, "Isn't life wonderful
Sitting here, with the side of my lips turning up,
almost wanting to crack a smile. Sitting here,
emotional, and at the same time, feeling like the
clouds have been moving out since I woke up
I was definitely feeling better a bit ago. And
now I am borderline emotional again. Why?
Does it matter why? Does anything matter?
Does anything mean anything?
So what if my life totally collapses or implodes?
I have been really down because I am dreading
what life could look like and what it will all
mean if it does. I have been taking it very
seriously. And the seriousness has such a
weight attached to it. Probably no coincidence
that people talk about "weighty" matters. I
never thought of it that way before. It was
probably said first by someone who felt the
heaviness of a situation they considered serious.
And boy have I felt weighed down. Today was
just a bit lighter, and as I have been writing, I
have fluctuated between the two.
And just now I felt a chill in my body. Some
have said that out of no where that could mean
an angel is present. If so, I will definitely take it!
I often talk about perspective, how something
often offers us perspective in its absence, how
the contrasts can be our teachers. I find myself
wondering if what I "found" before had to be
lost for me to find and appreciate it. Maybe
I never fully appreciated it before.
I had thought about this several months ago.
The thought came in my mind, and then left
because I pretty much was like, nah, what's
the point? I don't need that.
I wonder if it was something that showed up
because it knew better than me what was
going to be coming, and knew that I would
So did I do the right thing? Or did I make
I heard a quote that said something to the
effect of how do we know that what happened
was the right thing to happen? The answer
was "because it happened." (Anyone know
where it came from, please let me know,
as I don't remember).
It seems to me that many people kick
themselves for the choices they make or
the things they don't do. There have been
times in my life that the things I have done
have worked out less than stellar, but it
led to something pretty great.
If we interact with things in a way that
is labelled "negative," it is no wonder that
we say and do the things we do. It is no
wonder we judge ourselves and/or others.
Some will say we need balance in the
world - that positive isn't possible without
negative - that the idea of light isn't possible
without the dark - that the existence of one
thing is not possible without its opposite.
As I think about it, it isn't so much the
darkness and negative events in our life
that suck as much as the perspective we
bring to them. In and of themselves they
are just things like the positive things and
the light are.
And yet, we have a tendency to judge the
dark and negative as bad. We tend to want
nothing to do with it. And when it shows up
we can't stand the sight of it. And if it is
attached to another, we can't stand the sight
of them, or want to fix them so they are
all positive and full of light.
Maybe it is the thing that helps us to move
and to progress. And maybe there are times
that it just gets in our way and creates problems.
Maybe the difference between the two is
the difference between what happens
naturally and what happens because we
feel we need to make it happen, that there
needs to be something different.
When something needs to be forced, we don't
often have a good feeling about it, and maybe
that is because we are going against whatever
is being created potentially to help us find
appreciation and balance.
Maybe anger and frustration and other things
like that come from going against something
and feeling like you are losing. Maybe what
needs to get lost is a need to try to fix or
Things like The Secret seem to indicate that
we are able to "control" things with our
thought, and yet I have seen many people
who would say it doesn't work. Maybe it
doesn't "work" because maybe it is artificially
stimulating what we think we want. Maybe
it is something on the surface and superficial.
Maybe deep down inside we know better.
What if things like The Secret are only a
different way of perpetuating the idea that
we control things by telling us that it comes
by what we think?
What if our thought has nothing to do with it?
What if in our heart we already know? What
if we really don't "control" anything? What if
in our heart a course is set that we are already
on? What if our heart knows the way and our
head and thoughts only hinder us, even when
we think they are helping us?
There is some thought that our conscious mind
is better than our unconscious mind. There is
talk about making things conscious to help.
Well. There are things we are conscious about
that don't change a thing.
Our unconscious, in the meantime, is programmed
to take us into familiar territory. It can think it
is helping us, but be doing anything but.
Our mind is important, but what if we are looking
in the "wrong" place for answers? What if we
were able to listen to our heart and soul? What if
we were to let our lives unfold in much the same
way my California experiences happened?
I know that is a pretty scary idea. It is scary for
me to contemplate my future without a plan. But,
you know what? I haven't been able to make one.
So I guess I really don't have anything to lose
by considering the possibility that my heart's
guidance system is engaged and that I don't
need to use the map.
Interesting metaphor, actually.
Think about it. Imagine being in a car with a GPS
that is programmed to take you somewhere. Then
imagine you have a map. You could start out with
the map, and then let the GPS take over, or you
could start out with the GPS and take over things
with the map.
The thing is, any which way you go, as long as you
are listening to the GPS, it will always be trying to
get you back on track. It will always be trying to
get you on the programmed route.
Whether you choose it, or not, is up to you. But
it doesn't mean it won't keep trying. And it will do
it "matter of factly." It won't get upset. It won't
be offended. And, occasionally it will "recalculate,"
the plan to get to your destination, but it never changes
the destination itself.
What if our heart/soul is like that?
I still have questions about the things that didn't happen,
about locations along the way I thought I would have
been at, ones that have now been missed. But there is
enough of my life that has flowed, that I can't help but
wonder if there is something to it, even if it is just a part
of a bigger metaphor/picture.
Isn't life wonderful and great?
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