Wednesday, January 30, 2013

A Source of Pain?

I was thinking today about how over the years I
have gotten better about saying the things I was
feeling to those I was feeling the feelings about.

Not only have I gotten better about saying what
I feel, I have gotten better in HOW I express what
I do.  There are still sometimes I avoid, and others
in which I suck...but it is vastly improved over
what once was.

I share this because I have found freedom around
being able to say what I feel.  It isn't always met
with open arms or an open mind, but to be able
to express what I feel is a wonderful thing.

I have no expectations when I say what I do,
but of course many times wouldn't mind a particular
outcome.  Rarely do I get what I want.  But it
doesn't matter at that point.  I have said what I
needed to say for me.

It makes it a lot easier for me to move on than
when I used to not say anything of what I felt,
and essentially suffered in silence.

Do people want to hear what I have to say at those
times?  Probably not.  Most of the time I would say
no. People often don't really want to hear another's
person's reality or truth if it doesn't mesh with what
they think it should be.

It is no wonder people are afraid to say what they
really feel.  The thing is is that while we are so busy
not talking, we don't ever learn how to really listen
and communicate with one another.  And the result
often is a horrible blowout because eventually the
dam breaks, and EVERYTHING comes flowing
out at once.  EVERYTHING.

I am really beginning to think that a big source of
tremendous pain that comes from stifled words,
thoughts, feelings.

I tend to think it is better to get something out even
imperfectly than to hold it in.  When I hold things in
I hate the way my body feels.  When I let things be
said, there is a relief.  There is a huge difference,

I had a discussion with someone I usually get into
some really bad arguments with.  That person was
screaming at me.  I mostly just listened.  I was mostly,
oddly calm through most of the conversation.  It was
apparent the person had something they needed to say,
and it was equally apparent that there had been a lot
held back.

I got that they were upset in ways that transcended
the momentary issue.  I have no idea what will happen
next, but it bothers me that nothing was said previously
about things that were apparently an issue. Perhaps
nothing would have been any different in terms of
their desired outcome...but then again, who knows?

What would have been different is that they could have
said what they needed to to the person that was the
"source" of the concerns, issues, anger, frustration.  I
am pretty sure they probably talked to others about it,
but when you don't talk to the "source" it doesn't always

There is a risk when you share yourself.  There is a risk
when you express yourself that the other person won't
understand or will misunderstand.  There are a lot of
risks when it comes to communication.

But I would say that if we were willing to take those
risks we would be in a much better place over all.  I
really can't tell you how much easier things are for me
that I can say what I need to about - even if the outcome
and reception suck.

Even as I write this, in the past I would have been much
more upset and caught  up in the mess that was that
conversation I mentioned.  But I am oddly calm.  I
suspect it has to do with the fact that I have said what
I have needed to - much to the chagrin of the other
person.  But if the other person had just said what they
needed to before the explosion, maybe there wouldn't
have been one.

There is a lot of freedom when you can tell someone how
much you think they suck.  When you can tell them how
the situation makes you feel.  How much of a jerk you
think they are.  It also helps when you recognize how
much of what you are reacting to is your own sh*t.
You say it, and then you get past it.

I am not saying you should walk around calling people
names and attacking them with insults.  But what I am
saying is that I have been able to say things honestly and
openly with people when frustrated, and there have often
been cases where there has been no ill will or effect that
results because I am just saying what is the truth for me
in that moment.

Is this a perfect thing?  Possibly.  The thing is that an
imperfect person is at the helm.  And there are other
people and other people's issues that come into play.
So even if the idea is perfect, implementation is not so

It is a dance I would really rather not do.  But it is kinda
like a workout:  it sucks while you are doing it, but
afterward you feel pretty darn good.

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