Thursday, January 17, 2013


This morning I didn't want to get out of bed.

But then I had a brainstorm, and thought I had an idea.

So I spent a good part of the day, evening, and night
sharing the request that came along with the idea.

I have to hope and pray that something gives very soon.

I have a few more dollars heading to my account today,
thanks to a few friends.  (Thank you!)

I just need to find a way to get many more, though.
And I just don't know how.

I was thinking tonight about how many people may be
treating me like they know what I am dealing with.

I get treated like:

Someone who is unemployed
Which I am not.  Someone who is unemployed most
likely is "healthy" and has their mind fully (mostly?)
intact.  Someone who is unemployed is able to work,
should they be able to find a job.  I don't think I could
hold a job right now.  My energy is inconsistent, and
my mind has too many hiccups at the moment.

Someone who is sick
Someone who is sick usually is better within a relatively
short period of time.  We as people have become
accustomed to the idea that illness lasts until it is gone
by itself or treated with medicine.  I will be better at
some point, but odds are it won't be any time soon.

Someone who has little or no money/is running out of money
Not to in any way minimize what a person in that situation
is going through - because I have been there - but my
circumstance is different in that there is the added component
of my physical and mental self being impaired.  If a person
running out of money was to get a job, they could work, and
they wouldn't have to be as concerned as I am about paying
for supplements and insurance and food to try to help their
"wounded" body.

Someone who is in business
Yes.  I am in business.  Yes.  I need to earn money.  Yes.
I want help to "sell" myself.  But this is about more than "just"
selling myself.  This is about my survival.  My ability to earn
money is directly in some way tied to my ability to survive,
more so than it might be for the "average" business owner.
Plus I do not have the energy I would have if I was healthy.
I am truly in a bind.  I am constantly torn as to whether or
not I am doing enough when in actuality I am pushing farther
than perhaps I should.  If I run out of money I don't want to
be wondering what else I could have done - but I suspect
that I will be doing just that, even knowing that I did the
best I could within the limits I had.

I often say comparisons wind up minimizing one or the
other side of the things being compared.  In NO way am I
minimizing where someone may be.  At the same time, I
am wanting to point out the difference to anyone who might
be minimizing MY plight. Unless one has been through
something like this, it is difficult perhaps to imagine the
enormity of what I am facing.

It feels like a huge, scary monster that is lurking, and I wish
I had my security blanket to help get me through it.  I am
really concerned sometimes about the stress that I feel going
through this.

There is no one that can pay my bills if I can't.  And if I can't
pay my bills, then I can't "live" life.  And if I can't live life,
then what is the point of being here?  And if I think that way
it scares me because if the universe is listening, I don't want
it to think I don't want to be here, because I DO.

I just need help.  I just need answers.  I just need direction.
And I need them NOW.

I know there is supposedly "Divine Timing."  Well, I don't
think it is so divine if I have to sit here worried about how I
am going to make it day after day, and working on something
that zaps me of any energy I may have.  I was Ok today as I
plowed through things.

But now I am getting emotional.

Maybe it is because I am beyond tired.  Maybe it is because
I put in a long, hard day of work, and have nothing to show
for it - not yet.  At least, I hope there is a "yet."  But even
still, I am doing and doing and doing and doing and I don't
know where I am getting from all this doing, and I am afraid
it could be no where.

I am not the only one faced with this type of crisis, and the
news doesn't seem to want to cover the treatment aftermath.
And, even worse, they DO cover stories of people that scam
the public.  When I think about that, it bothers me more than
the scammers themselves.

Granted the news guys don't know they are being scammed
along with everyone else (but could they do better research,
perhaps?) but why so reluctant to cover a REAL story of
someone who is in desperate need of help?  I am hoping I
will find someone who will prove that statement wrong.

I am hoping that because I want to give a voice to this that
is bigger than I am, and because I want to help others, it
is in some way newsworthy.

Call me silly.  Call me unrealistic.

I am just gonna call myself desperate.