I once saw a cartoon of an author at a book signing.
Her parents were there. And the mother said something
about how if she knew her daughter was going to be
a writer, she would have been a better parent.
I am thinking about the cartoon tonight, as I am
thinking about how I did not want to be public with
my blog at first because I did not want to have to edit
the things I said or thought. If it was private, I would
not risk those who knew me reading it and having any
repercussions as a result.
When one writes, one uses words that mean certain things.
While that may seem like an obvious statement, the
problem is that the words may come off to others sounding
like they mean something totally different - and unintended -
and rarely in a good way.
Tonight I got blasted for something that I wrote. Apparently
"people" thought that I had meant something very far from
any intended meaning. What I wrote around what was
misinterpreted was in no way interpreted as something
affirming, or positive, even though it was meant to be, or
at the very least was not intended as a judgment or slight,
or in any way a disregard.
I ask a lot of questions when I write.
I think out loud.
That is a dangerous thing to do.
There have been things I have misinterpreted that have
gotten me upset, too. It happens. But the worst things
are the things when there is a difference of opinion and
the best you can hope for is a mutual respect of differences.
But even then it is difficult if it seems that there is some
common impact from the differences of opinion.
I would like to think I write in isolation. But I know I
don't. At the same time, in order for me to do "justice"
to what I have to say, and to who I am in that moment,
I have to assign words, and pretend that I do. When I
do this I take a risk as the meaning I know in my head
may or may not be conveyed to the heads of others
interpreting my work.
The most obvious option I have is to stop writing publicly.
Barring that, the next obvious option is to stop talking
about my interactions with other people. But then what
do I have? Life is about the interactions we have with others.
Perhaps the line I treaded I shouldn't have. Maybe
there is a way I could have discussed what I did
differently, more personally. But the thing is, a lot of
this particular situation is personal - and it involves
Something to think about, I suppose.
It really sucks though. Even as I write this, I am holding
back details that I want to share.
I have told people that cancer has a tendency to make the
sucky stuff of life suckier. In other cases, there is a
possibility of an improvement. I have to say that while
certain things in my life have improved, my personal
relationships have suffered.
There is more I could say about that...but don't really feel
up to it at the moment. But I am guessing there will be
a blog entry on it at some point - perhaps/probably in the