Thursday, January 10, 2013

I've Seen Better Days

I am tired.

I have a bunch of things I need to do, and I don't know where
to start.  I have been coughing, too.  Not happy about that.

Quite frankly, it scares me a bit.

It was something I was doing before I was diagnosed.  Now I would look back and call it a symptom.  I keep telling myself I am fine, that I really shouldn't freak out.  But there are moments that I wonder how I would know if this cough was something to be concerned about.

I am going to see how it goes in the next few days.  If it continues
without any other symptoms, or gets worse, I will contact my
doctor's office to see what they have to say.

Good news is that I had a mammogram and all seems to be well
on the "boob front."  I didn't expect it to be otherwise, but thought
I should have things checked out, given what has been going on
with me.

I really don't feel so great.  It has been a busy week.  Maybe I am
pushing too hard, but I really don't know what else to do.  Two
months will go by pretty quickly, and I will find myself in a lot
of trouble if things don't start to click.

I am really trying to avoid total and utter financial devastation.


Today I met with the speech person.  It was interesting talking
with her.  I realized something.  I realized that there are times I
talk to people and they try to offer me help.  It is something
that I appreciate in that I like that the person cares, but often
it isn't as helpful as they would like it to be because I am not
in a place to hear it, or for a myriad of other reasons, not the
least of which could be that I am not asking for the help.

I realized today that in meeting with her, I said a lot of things
that I say to others, but the difference with her is that I am going
to her because I want her help.  Another difference is that my
reality is acknowledged.  So often those who want to help me
either ignore my reality, or in some way minimize it by
comparing it to theirs.

My reality gets compared to those with other health issues,
as well as to those who are having money issues.

While there may be similarities, it seems that people just don't
get how much I am impacted by what I have been through.
I don't "just" have a money issue.  It would be one thing if
I had my health and just wasn't working.  Chemo has, and
still is, kicking my butt, impacting me mentally and physically,
and ultimately spiritually in that it is such a challenge sometimes
that it brings me to a down place.

In addition, I work for myself.  More and more people are
doing it these days, but many who don't know what it is
like I have no idea what it is like to have to depend on the
firm of Me, Myself, & I to get things done.  And, once again,
it is one thing to depend on them healthy, but all together
different with the effects of treatment.

This is said to try to present some perspective, but not
to negate the reality of another.  There are times that I just
wish people would just allow me my reality without a
need to compare or fix.  That's all.

Earlier someone on Facebook asked me how I was, and I
think what I said is a good summary, "I am not sure how I
am some days.  There is so much I am trying to deal with.
It is a big challenge..  Some days it feels insurmountable.
Some days I am afraid.  Some days I am clear and strong. 
I guess you could say I am all over the place.  Thanks for
asking.  I wish I had a better answer."

And with that...

I will wish you a good night.

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