Friday, January 4, 2013

If my life was scripted...

If my life was scripted, there are times I would definitely, without question, DEMAND a re-write.

I am having a rough night.  Can you tell?

Tonight someone said something to me that made complete sense.  The problem with it is that it still SUCKS.  What they said was that when you feel deep pain it is a sign that you were open and invested.  It is a sign that you lived fully and completely.  It is a sign that you gave your all.

I suppose the pain I feel tells me how human I am at the moment.  I suppose that could be (is?) a good thing.  Kinda hard to recognize deep pain as a good thing.  I have had some really deep, painful moments the last few years, and yet I keep allowing myself to be open - if it seems right.

I just wish that when it seems right, there would be an assured Happy Ending.

Walking into a situation in which you know there is a risk is not an easy thing to do.  You hold your breath, and you hope for the best.  You hope that the person or people you are entrusting will respect you.  You hope that the wonder that you feel as you walk into the situation won't fade.  You hope that the goodness you feel will lay the foundation for something even more amazing to come.

You may fear the worst, but you hope for the best.

Maybe this will be the time that things will really work.  Maybe this will be the time that all the pieces will come together.  Maybe this will be the magic that you hear so much about.  Maybe this is what you were waiting for all of those times you were disappointed before.

It has been so hard to be open given what I have been through.  It has taken everything I have to allow myself to be open to a possibility that my fear wants me to run from as far - and as fast - as I can.  And more than once I have taken what I had, pain and all, and learned from it.  More than once I have taken what was, and built upon it, often finding something even more amazing in the process.

Had I been shut down, there are amazing things I would never have experienced.  The trade off was that after amazing came some terrible pain.  If I had known going in what was going to happen, would I have done things differently?  The fact is, the answer is a resounding NO because by avoiding the pain, I would have also avoided something pretty damn special.

Does that help?

at the moment,
the answer
to that
is also
a resounding

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