Friday, January 18, 2013

How do you go through hell without suffering?

So tonight I talked to my mom.

She didn't call me.

I called her.

Apparently, and I am ashamed to say this,
she DID offer me a bit of help last year,
and I FORGOT that she did.  Not only
that, but she says she never got a thank you
from me for it.

It bothers me so much because I have made
every effort to thank people for even the
smallest of donations, and apparently I
did not thank her.  I would like to think I
did, but given that my memory sucks, I
really haven't got a clue if there was any
chance that I did, and it somehow fell through
the cracks.

In addition, there was someone else who had
also given me some money.  I am a bit more
certain that I thanked her - even if in just a
voicemail message, but I am also not sure.
However she doesn't think that I did.

That really sucks.

That sucks on so many levels, not the least
of which is the state of my mind.  My mind
has not been in a good state for months.

I was drugged significantly and stressed
after my surgery, and then when I came
home it took weeks to recover, only to have
to start chemo.

I may have seemed mostly together through
all of this, but it occurs to me that I have had
a lot more going on under the surface.  I have
not been "myself" in months.

I don't even really know who "myself" is
right now.

In speaking with my mother, she tried to
offer me help and guidance, including telling
me that maybe God was waiting for me to
come to Him for help.

That was no help.

I am not religious.  But I do believe that there
is possibly a world beyond this one.  For that
reason there have been times that I have reached
out for help.  I have cried.  I have begged.  I
HAVE asked for help.

For all I know I am getting it.

But at the same time, I am also suffering.

I know people say "suffering is optional."
But how many people do you know who go
through hell without suffering?

I have spent a good part of my life trying to
help people.  I have spent hours of my time
and energy - for free - doing things for others.
My heart and soul are in the right place - of
that I am absolutely certain.

Am I perfect?  Hardly.

Do I know all the answers?  Ha!

Does anyone?  No.

So in some ways I am no different than anyone
else.  I really have a hard time with the idea that
I am not doing things right.

On one hand I hear that "intention is everything,"
but then on the other, I hear that there is a "method"
to creating what you want.  And that you can't
give up.

There is so much in my life that I had an intention,
and did my best to "follow procedure" and things
did not come out the way I would have wanted.

It seems like torture to me to set up rules for things,
but then not have us remember them, or remember
how to use them properly.  It also seems to me that
these rules say we can have things, but what if we

I once heard that every disease can be healed,
but not every person can.  Apparently some have
a road to travel that doesn't mean one that has a
"happy ending."  Although, I am not sure that
any death is a "happy ending," but I think you
might know what I am getting at.  No one wants
to die feeling helpless to a disease.

My mom said at one point that if having a relationship
with her was "important enough" I would do things
differently.   I explained to her that that is not
necessarily the issue.

It may be important for people to lose weight, and
know how to lose weight, but only wind up gaining
weight.  While logically they understand things,
something else apparently is going on.

Their unconscious has them doing what suits it.  It
is not that the unconscious wants to create problems,
but quite to the contrary, it thinks it is somehow

Why do I say this?  Because I have unconscious
things going on in relation to my mom.  I loved my
grandmother dearly, but she did a really good job
of "brainwashing" me as a kid against my mom.

I told my mom I think there is a little girl inside of
me that feels abandoned by her and my father.  I
also told her that I know there was a point in my
life that I did not want to be with her.  But I wonder
if that has anything to do with the pain I might have
felt.  After all, why would you want to be with
someone who causes you pain?  Maybe I was doing
what I felt would protect me.

It leaves me not knowing how to be with her.  It
leaves me without a clue of what to say, or how to
act, or anything!  I really feel lost.

While I took responsibility for myself in all of this,
I also did point out to her that she, in some ways,
wasn't much better.  She didn't tell me the things
she told me tonight before tonight.  She was just
letting them hang out there.  She also made no
effort to call me back.

Well...we were both raised by the same people
so I guess there can't be any surprises there.

I was crying as I spoke with her on the phone.  I
was crying out of anger, sadness, frustration.  A
whole myriad of things.  Interestingly, I did a
healing session with someone today, and she said
I might get emotional from the work.  Perhaps this
is a part of that.

I just knew I had to call her.  I just knew there was
expression that needed to be expressed.

I have no clue where we stand now.  She tells me
she loves me.  I told her I love her.  Neither feeling
I truly feel, but do believe to be true.  And she told
me not to take so long being in touch again.

I know she doesn't like how I have been through
this, but it isn't much different than I have been with
most people.  I have to wonder how many others who
have gone through something similar have had things
happen like I have.

So often I haven't wanted to talk to anyone, and when
I have wanted to talk, I needed to know that the person
I talked to would be "safe."  There is so much that I am
incapable of dealing with in the last few months.  There
may be times I am a bit more capable, but the moments
are few and far between.

I have to wonder how many people realize how much
this has affected me in so many ways, and on so many
levels.  If you know anyone who is dealing with cancer
and treatment, consider giving them a lot of latitude and
a lot of love.

Consider letting them guide where things go.  Consider
that if they don't respond, it's not because they don't
want to, they just didn't realize they didn't.

In a world in which we often want things to be "fair"
and we want to count, it may be difficult to do that.
But if you truly love that person, they likely really
need the best of what you can offer in that regard.

And telling them that their life sucks because of the
choices they made, for the record, isn't likely to be too
helpful either.

(In all fairness, that is not quite what she said, but what
was said pretty much came off that way to me.)

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