Friday, January 4, 2013

Things I Have Learned & Questions I am Asking

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. 
When we are afraid, we pull back from life. 
When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. 
We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. 
If we cannot love ourselves, 
we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. 
Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the 
fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
 ― John Lennon 

Someone, after reading my profile, sent me the above quote.
Not sure what they were trying to tell me by their share.

However, I liked it, so I decided to share, especially since
it in some way fits what I was writing about last night.

Fully living life means being motivated by LOVE.

But even if Love is the motivation, and Love is at the core,
it doesn't necessarily mean smooth sailing.  But...if we Love
first, and at the core, then it helps guide what comes next,
and it helps us navigate the waters of any pain or confusion
or angst.  It helps because we can't focus on Love and any
of those other things simultaneously.

The problem is, though, is getting all of who we are to 
cooperate.  I may be able to feel that way for a bit of time,
but then other times, the emotion of a situation just freakin'
hits me, and I am overwhelmed.

Some would tell you to be positive.  I was talking to a 
friend earlier who was trying to be helpful, even as I was
in tears.  I love her dearly, and I appreciate the fact that
she was giving me her form of an inspirational pep talk.

She put in all of the "right" pieces, and told me how great
and wonderful and amazing and intelligent and resourceful
I am.  She told me to embrace my power.  She told me to
take one step at a time.  She told me to talk to God.

But I have to admit, as she was saying what she was 
saying, I was really mostly letting her talk.  I sort of 
suspected she was saying part of what she was saying
because SHE needed to say it.

All of the things she said, I already know.  All of the
things she said, I do at one time or another.  All of the
things she said, at the moment she said them, might as
well have been in another language because they were
just rolling off of me.

It's not that they don't mean anything.  They just didn't
mean anything to me in THAT moment.

But I love her for wanting to help.  I probably would
not have even spoken with her with the way that I felt,
but I was supposed to help her with something so I had
to let her know that I couldn't do it just then.

I have learned not to reach out when I am as upset as I 
was.  I have learned that people all too often want to fix
things that can't be fixed.  I have learned too often words
said by the other person are said more often for the 
comfort of the other person.  I have learned that some 
will hear what I say, and take it as a statement that that is 
who I am, and not allow me to be me and with my 
emotions in that moment.  I have learned that going 
within isn't something that is comfortable or easy to 
do, and often isn't the answer, either, but that it is often 
preferable to involving someone else in my 
emotions and situation.    I have learned that sometimes
I am more upset by what another says - or says I should
do - than by what upset me in the first place.  

I have learned to listen to myself more.  I have learned
to trust myself more.  I have learned what I think of 
myself.  I have learned what I didn't know about myself
before.  I have learned to learn by looking within,
rather than going without.  

This is not to say that talking to people isn't helpful, 
but rather to say that helpful only is helpful when it
fits the situation and moment and attitude.  It's no 
wonder we often talk AT each other.  Words just roll
off when you aren't in a place to hear them.

I have learned to respect myself and my space - 
physically and mentally.  I have learned when it is
best to be miserable alone.

That's a good one...I have learned when it is best
to be miserable alone.   Not as in a pity party, but
rather in a way of respecting what is going on with
me, and allowing it its expression, even if it just
means sleeping for hours.

I have learned that much of what I have "learned"
is what others think is "right" or "wrong."  I have
learned that being who I am probably means I am
going to mess up.  I don't want to, but there is 
every chance I will mess up in another person's
experience or perspective.   

Everyone has their own opinion of what is right,
ironically enough, based on what another person
at some time told them was right.

Today I saw this quote:

Every weight loss program, no matter how positively 
it’s packaged, whispers to you that you’re not right. 
You’re not good enough. You’re unacceptable and 
you need to be fixed."
~ Kim Brittingham

When I saw it, I thought about how it could apply
to ANYTHING that in some way makes us better,
makes us feel less deficient.  Marketing finds problems
for us to look at, so it can fix them, US.

I have talked about the whole fixing thing before.
We live in a society that is all about the FIX.
We want to fix everything and everyone.  And
how do we know when something needs to be 
fixed?  When it doesn't fit what we think it should be.

Interestingly, what "should" be is relative, and it
varies from person to person.  And yet there are
some things that people buy in wholesale when
it comes to certain perspectives.  

But...I have to wonder if we stopped looking at
things as things to fix, and we stopped looking at
trying to control people and their actions, what 
would we have left?  Often the "fix" is outwardly
directed.  Even those things we want to "fix"
about ourselves often have to do with how we
interact with others, concerned about how they
may view us.

What if there was nothing to fix?

What then?

It makes me think we would have a whole 
different way of experiencing life and experiencing
others.  It makes me think we might stop pointing
the finger and placing blame.  It makes me think
we could start embracing and loving ourselves 

What if part of any perceived problem we have
now is a lack of self love?  What if the fact that
many of us walk around viewing problems to be
fixed has us missing the beautiful things in life?

What if focusing on things as problems needing
to be fixed has us miss the MOMENT that is 
our life?

I am just asking.

I don't know.

After all, I think about those things that people do
to help others because they perceive a problem to
be fixed.  If they didn't perceive it to be a problem,
they wouldn't do what they do to help.

Maybe it just gets out of hand.  Maybe it depends
on whether it is being done as a form of manipulation,
or if it comes from a place of Love.

But even if it comes from Love, the recipient has
got to want it for it to be effective.  Did you hear
the story of the policeman who got boots for a 
man who appeared to be homeless?  Many might
want to try to fix his problem.

It turns out he prefers to have time on the street.
It also turns out he doesn't feel like he can often
wear the boots, out of concern of what could 
happen to him.

On some level, he doesn't see a "fix" the same way
as others do.  On some level, it seems he doesn't
even see something to be fixed.

I don't know what the answers are.  We are so many
people living on this planet together in different ways,
and there are so many opportunities for us to have
conflict about how things should be done.

The problem is we don't all agree about how that is,
and a case can be made for so many different things.
It might seem to indicate that we should all just 
allow each person his or her own reality.  The 
problem with that seems to be that one person's
reality and perspective may infringe on the reality 
and perspective of another.

Which, in turn, gives rise to a reason for a fix.

So maybe it is a matter of looking more at the smaller
picture than the larger one.  Maybe it is more something
to look at on a case by case basis.

Maybe the fact that I am learning and growing and
seeing things will help me to interact with the world
differently.  In turn, maybe that will affect another's
world, and in turn, someone else will also be affected.

Maybe the ripples of our individual choices are much
more pronounced than we know.  And maybe instead
of focusing so much on the bigger picture, we can 
find ways to be at peace with the smaller one.  

There is little peace when someone is always trying
to fix you or something about you, especially if you 
don't see anything wrong, or have any desire to change.
And what better way to distract oneself from what
is felt than to focus on what others need to be doing 
differently, or what we think they are wrong about?

Since we do not have a particularly content society
at the moment, is it possible this is what a number of
people feel?

As always, questions, questions, questions...

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