It took a bit for me to wake up this morning.
I went to bed late, and slept very deeply.
I must have really needed it.
I have been thinking about how things have
a way of getting distorted and contorted when
we communicate with each other. We can say
something, and know how we mean it, only to
have another person interpret it differently.
Talking on the phone is worse than talking in
person and text can often be worse than talking.
In the last couple of days there have been
examples of things misunderstood in emails.
It has been so frustrating, as there was no
opportunity to talk. In one case, I wrote to
further explain something, saying that I had
hoped there was not a misunderstanding, and
the person didn't reply (which leads me to
believe there is a good chance there was/is
Within this thinking I also got to thinking about
how we interact with life and with others has
everything to do with what we believe life to be.
If the person mentioned in the case above thinks
that people are how she may have perceived me
to be, she may have interpreted what she did,
as she did, as a result.
The friend who recently tried to help me has
had her own wounds when it comes to men
and relationships, and her advice I believe came
from her pain.
In our own heads it is easy to create stories.
To create meanings. To create coping skills.
None of which may be for our best benefit.
But we may think they are. And we, in turn,
will think that we KNOW something that may
not be another's experience. But we will take
our experience and filter our world and our
interactions with it.
And what we think we know, we may not
know at all. It may also get in the way of us
doing or saying things differently. The thoughts
and beliefs can stop us from doing things, stop us
from being open.
As I was writing this, I stopped a few paragraphs
back and called my mother. I looked at the phone
and decided it was the time. There was only the
answering machine. I debated briefly what to do.
I decided that I might chicken out if I didn't leave
her a specific message. If I left a generic one, or
none at all, I could just ignore/avoid what is on
my mind all together.
So while it was less than ideal, I left her a message
that asked her why my own mother has not
offered me help, or asked if I needed any throughout
this whole ordeal. I acknowledged that we don't
have the best dynamic, but there have been strangers
that have been more attentive to me than she has been.
As I write this, I am a bit hesitant to share this
publicly for a few reasons, one of which is that
I may be judged by some for what may seem to
be my incompetent way of dealing with this.
Never once did I ever say I had the answers in this
situation. I have many more questions and concerns,
and stories. Never once did I ever say I was perfect,
either. Never once did I ever say I was anything but
a human doing the best she could, given the circumstances.
So this is the best I can do. If it sucks, it sucks. At
the same time that I can also acknowledge that my
mom is probably doing the best she can do, but that
doesn't make everything OK for me.
So many questions.
I really don't want to share this publicly. I was thinking
that maybe I should just share things after the fact. In
that way people won't be so inclined to give me what
they think my answer should be.
I have noticed that if I don't post my blogs on FB,
they are often left unread. So maybe I won't share
this one, and if you stumble into this, maybe there will
be a reason I shared it with you.
Please know that I really am just talking out loud,
and that I am seeking my own answers from within.
While you may have some helpful thoughts or insight
to share, I respectfully ask you to refrain. For now.
Back to the "healthy start" part of this entry. I got
up and spontaneously decided that I was going to
do this dance workout thing I have. It's 20 minutes,
and I have been thinking I want to/need to do it.
Funny thing is I didn't plan it, and it happened. If
I had planned it, I kinda wonder if it would have.
Then, before I went any further, I made myself a
delicious smoothie with a frozen banana, Greek
plain yogurt, an orange, half an avocado, and
flax seed meal. Mm-mmm. Yummy.
I need to get on with my day. I have lots of calls
to make. Lots of things on my schedule this week.
I'd like to say that is a good thing. But, honestly,
I am not sure. I know that may sound odd to you,
but there are a few reasons I say that, not the least
of which is a concern for my level of energy.
One day I may even have two networking events.
There was one event in the last few weeks that
wiped me out for two days after. I can't help but
wonder if I may be pushing myself too much.