Sunday, June 16, 2013

Closer Than Ever

For as much as I have shared here, there are things I haven't shared. At times I wonder if I should share them. I wonder what people will think of me. Funny. I used to wonder what people would think of a lot of the things I have said, but I have still come to a point of sharing them.

There is more attached to this, as well. It is not just what people will think. It is hard to explain, though, without really explaining it.

I feel like I get closer all of the time to talking about it. If I knew for a fact that my life was coming to an end any time soon, I would share in a heartbeat. I would want to put it out into the world on my terms. I would want people to have as complete of a picture of me as possible. 

I know it is a matter of time.

At times I ask myself if I am ashamed of what I have done, and I am not. If anything, I am proud about how I have handled what I have, with great respect for those I interact with - often more respect than I have been given. I have been a 3D character in a 1D world. 

If anything, I think context is part of the potential problem. I think there is an issue in our society with certain things, and they aren't even things that really are issues, but they become ones, thanks to people's judgments and beliefs. There is so much that goes on behind closed doors. So much. So much more than I ever wanted to know. But when we turn a blind eye and deafen our ears, and I think it has great potential to make things worse.

There are many who felt unheard. There are many who don't know how to reconcile societal and family expectations with what they think they should do. There are many who feel way too many pressures in their day-to-day lives and need an outlet. There are many who flirt with dangerous situations - in the name of harmless fun - and don't even know what they're getting themselves into. 

Over the years, I have spoken with thousands of people as they have opened themselves up to me in ways they never would with others - for fear of being judged themselves. So many who - on the surface - others would never guess what goes on in the shadows of their mind.

We all have that side. I have gotten more convinced over the years that we all have a need to fully and completely be who we are, and when we aren't, we risk many things - including the loss of those we hold dear, which may even include one's self.

As I sit here and type I feel so strongly that I need to share. It is like the time has come. I don't want to refrain from interacting with a part of me any more. It gets pretty dang confusing sometimes. Who did I tell what? It takes more energy sometimes than I feel I have to give to keep this part of me separate.


I don't think I am there, just yet. But, boy, does it feel close.


  1. Reconciling one's lives into a coherent whole is never easy. So many pressures and expectations to deal with. Societal "norms" and what they force upon us is by way of mores and judgements keep so many from living fully. I think there are more who fight this internal battle than are willing to admit. The fear of rejection hard to overcome. The fear of condemnation is debilitating.

    And yet, the need to be whole, to live whole, is so strong in some of us, that we struggle to over come the fear just the same. Wishing you luck in this part of your journey as well.

  2. thank you...all the "luck" I can get is appreciated. :)