True Connection

When I was in my teens and twenties, I would hear other women talking about how a guy "had a nice ass." A friend of mine would send me cards with half-naked men. I often wondered if I was missing something. I was supposed to enjoy those kinds of things, or so it would seem.

The thing is that the "prettier" a guy was, the less likely I was to be attracted. I am not sure why that was. I am not sure the two things are direct cause and effect related. Given that I now know that I can pick up things from images, maybe it is that I picked up something from these guys that I did not like, and no amount of superficial glossiness was going to overcome it.

I think, too, that there has also always been a part of me that couldn't just have a superficial attraction to someone, The truest sense of attraction came from knowing who a person was, and liking and appreciating what I saw.

I am talking about this in past tense. However it still very much holds true for me. There has been more than one guy I did not find myself initially attracted to that I came to love. Part of the reason I may have been alone for as much of my life as I have been, is because I need more than just the superficial. I need a true connection with someone. I am not seeking, nor asking for, perfection. I am just wanting a connection. I just want something that at the core is real.

In so many cases of relationships that I have been exposed to over the years, that core is missing. If it was ever there in the first place, it has been uprooted by day-to-day living. So many I have spoken to have not settled in but, rather, settled. The difference? Settling comes with being unhappy and a conscious awareness of the things that are missing, complemented by a shrug of the shoulders. It's what happens in life, right?

I don't believe that has to be the case. However I have yet been able to prove that wrong. But it is one of those things that I feel at the core of who I am. So for now, I am not giving up on the idea. It is so difficult to stand where I stand on so many things. I don't know sometimes if it is conditioning or circumstances that have me feel as I do, or if it is more of an inner knowing. Given how much these things affect me, and how strongly I feel them, I am going to have to hope it is the latter.