Monday, June 17, 2013

I Can't Be the Only One, Can I?

I took pictures for the first time in a while today...especially ones with a wig. So many of them I could see how life is wearing me down. I can see the sadness in my eyes, and in how my face looks. I look worn down. Tired.

I just kept taking pictures until I found one I liked. It isn't easy take pictures of yourself. At the same time, it is one of the best things, as you can take so many more than some would be patiently willing to do. Plus you get to know good angles. You get to know what is likely to look the best.

So many have told me how photogenic they think I am. Are you photogenic when it takes many images to get to the one that makes you look that way? I dunno.

So many thoughts are going through my head. So many things. "Everything happens for a reason." "Be grateful." "Life has ups and downs."

Somewhere in the middle of all of this I can't help but wonder how much of this is "meant" to be experienced as is, and how much of it should be "fixed." So many things are approached in a way to fix something, with an inherent background of there is something wrong with what is.

Figuring out things isn't easy. Being with things isn't easy. Life, right now, isn't easy. There are times I get upset when people are trying to make it seem like this is nothing different than anything else in life, because it certainly feels different. But in some ways they may be right. But in others I am not so sure. What if this is all about me needing to be wherever I am until I am somewhere else?

I really wish I had done things differently in my life. But there were some things that I wouldn't have known to do differently. Sometimes I think I am kicking myself for not doing a better job of taking care of me. No one else was gonna do it.  I think I failed myself.

I hit an emotional place. Tears are streaming down my face. I was supposed to do a better job. I was supposed to make everything OK, make everything right. I felt responsible at a very young age. I had to be responsible at a very young age. I used to be upset about it, but now I just look at it for what it was, but don't know exactly what to do with it. I suspect there is something more for me to get here.

Funny thing for all the times in my life I have blamed others for my situation, I don't now. I am wondering if I have turned it inward, though. That's not much better, really. But I really don't know what else could have been done, and a part of me knows that. It knows that I did the best I could. I have always tried. I have always done what I could. And I have often felt left with many more questions than answers. I have tried so many things. I have read so many books. Gone to so many seminars. I can't be the only one who finds themselves left wondering, can I?

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