Tuesday, June 11, 2013

When the Past Lives in the Present

So many times I hear, "Live in the Present."


So many things like that get to me these days. I question most everything that seems to be the things that present themselves as unquestionable fact.

Today I was thinking about how we would be if from Day 1 of our life we always lived in the moment. It certainly would make living in the moment a heck of a lot easier to do. It would be second nature. We would have our moments and we'd go on. We could see life through a whole different viewer.

But the thing is...I don't know that a single person has ever lived that way. At least not anyone I know. And because of that we have things in our past that seem to linger a bit longer than we might like them to. And the only way I think we can sometimes heal the past is to visit it.

I have been spending a great deal of time in my past lately between the poems and the pictures and the things I have written. It is like I go there. In some ways it has been cathartic for me.

Today I spoke with someone who was a significant part of my past. It was someone that I had a lot of questions that were never answered. I don't know that I ever thought to ask the questions before today. And if I had, I might have decided not to. I may have decided to "live in the present."

Well. Today I became aware of the fact that there was a part of me that very much wanted answers. Because that person is still in my life I contacted them and asked the questions. I made it clear that I didn't care what the answers were and that if they didn't want to answer, that was fine, too...but I had to ask. I also made it clear that the only motive I had was for my own understanding and, even though I didn't say it, for some closure. It was not that I was trying to make the past mean anything in the present, but rather it was my way of keeping the past where it belonged.

I have been carrying the past for years because of what was left open and unresolved. When the answers came, I felt a relief. There was a release.

A Big One.

Afterward I felt much calmer.

There is a lot of sadness around it for me. The person, knowing how I felt, questioned if I still wanted them in my life. I said that I learned a long time ago that I can feel my emotions in a situation that is not as I would have it, and not have to leave it. I think there are times that it can be very healing to look at things, acknowledge them and keep going. My willingness to be in it til now gave me the gift I got today. I could have abandoned our contact many times over the years, but never did.

One expression I think I do believe is "what you resist, persists." As long as I didn't ask those questions, it was a weight I had to carry. I didn't do it intentionally and I didn't do it consciously. I didn't even know I did it - until today.

If we weren't meant to visit our past, why do we remember it?

I swear...What a difference I feel. What a relief.

This cancer stuff really sucks. But one thing it also does is help you get the yucky stuff out of your life. It helps you purge and get clear and helps you say the things you need to say and ask the things you need to ask. What a gift it was today to be able to ask and - even better - to receive an answer.

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