Mourning

Over the years I have wanted to have a good relationship with someone - one that was healthy, one that proved to me how far I had come from the relationship I had in Columbus. Over the years there have been so many guys who were interested, but it never went anywhere. Part of it, I'd like to think was because I had grown, and I wasn't willing to put up with things, give in, or settle.

I just got done reading several journals and was reminded of many that I forgot. So many questions I have about what didn't happen. In some ways I am very sensitive to this topic, as some would say that it is all my "fault" that nothing ever came to pass. I realize that I am the common denominator, but at the same time, I was open to different people, different things, different approaches, and still pretty much wound up empty handed.

I almost wanted to say empty hearted.

But the thing was that during this journey I learned a lot about myself. During the journey I met some really awesome people. It just really sucks that the one thing I consistently have wanted has consistently eluded me.

A few years ago I gave up. I was resigned. I thought I would be by myself for the rest of my life. Right after that I not only met one person, I met a few. Each situation better than the last in some ways and certainly more intense. Each one breaking my heart a bit more. Each one challenging me to keep my heart open.

I don't know what I think right now. The drive for a relationship isn't as strong as it once was. Maybe I am again resigned. Maybe I am afraid no one will want me, and it is safer not to want than be rejected. Maybe I just have been disappointed way too many times.

This is one of those cases in which I am crystal clear that just because you want something from the deepest part of who you are, it doesn't mean you are going to get it. Is it because I screwed up royally? Or is it because that just is how life sometimes is? I know what some people would say, but I don't really care. I have been all over the spectrum about this. I have done all the exercises, all the prayers, all the asking for help. I have communicated better than I ever have. I have been without expectation. I have been accepting. I have been so many things and still...alone.

Sooner or later I would have to hope that I will be let in on the "secret" thing I missed all along. I hope it makes sense given how torturous this journey has at times been. Maybe I missed nothing. Maybe this just is how life sometimes is. I don't know.

And then there is the story of Steve Perry. He was watching a video with a woman that he thought he could be interested in, and asked to be put in touch with her. He was told that she had Stage 4 cancer. He hesitated for a moment, but then asked to be set up. They met and clicked and were together about a year and half before she died.

When it is right, it seems it can steamroll ya, and you can forget about being logical.

So who knows what will happen? It is possible the best is yet to come.

If I am honest, though, I have my doubts.