209 Dollars

For anyone wondering, that is what the fundraiser that Ken held for me netted. $209.

I felt like when it was announced many people sighed a sense of relief, "oh, she is getting help," and then it stopped there. I could be wrong, but I do not think many people shared about the link or if they did, shared it more than once.

Now...

Please don't get me wrong. Every thing that anyone does for me is appreciated. Each and every one. It is one more thing and opportunity than I had. But it is really hard for me to balance the appreciation with the HUGE need I have right now. Yes. I asked for $20K. And I know it is a lot, but I asked for it for several reasons that I may or may not have explained but would be more than happy to if someone asked. If I got less, then I would see what I could make happen for less.

But if you don't ask, you don't get, right?

I can't help but wonder what people would do if it was them in my position. I can't exactly walk around asking people to do fundraisers for me. Although I did ask someone about help and was given a "no way" kind of answer because they were making excuses and reasons for others as to why they can't or won't help - without even trying, or giving them the opportunity to do something and say no themselves. And I can't exactly do one for myself.

Have I not made my need clear? Do people just really not care?

Yes. There is fatigue when it comes to giving. I get it. And yet, when the major disasters strike, guess what? People give. Yes. I get that there are other reasons, too, that people can't or haven't or won't give. I never wanted to be here. I have never wanted to ask for help. It went against everything in me. Being as open as I have been has been at times quite painful.

I am a good person. I care about others. I have offered whatever I can of myself to get help in exchange. I am a broken record.

Part of me is even sad for all of the effort and time that Ken and the others put into the event the other night. I know they would have liked to have seen more come out of it, too. I know what that feels like to put your heart into something and have it come to next to nothing, or not work out at all. My life has been full of those types of things.

And yet I have kept going.

But I am so tired.

I hate to say it. But I am. And I don't mean just physically. It is not like I have been sitting back and not doing anything. I am doing everything I can and have stretched myself beyond any limits I felt I had. I am depleted.

And I don't know how close I am to defeated. But it might just be a town away. It feels closer than I would like it to be.

It doesn't help that my life is mainly about survival right now. Going through those pictures last night was really nice in that it reminded me of what it was like to have a life, to do things. Ironically, it was when I was still employed and had a J.O.B. While I have enjoyed the flexibility I have had being self employed, working for someone else allowed not only some structure in my life but freedom in a different way. Having a job also introduced me to some of my one time friends.

Something tells me surrender would be a good thing, and not necessarily in a bad way. I feel like I am trying so damn hard. I know I need something, and maybe I need to stop.

Sadly, I feel like if I do, I will go away. I feel like I will disappear. Even in the midst of my troubles people are off living their own lives. So few ask me how I am these days. Much of the contact I have is precipitated by a need. People probably have no clue how to be with me, knowing among other things that I am tired and struggling. It doesn't help that I have times when my eyes just want to close  - even in the middle of the day, so I don't even have it in me to pick up the phone myself.

..

I really am scared, except for when I am too tired to be anything.

This so does not feel like a good direction I am going in, but I don't know how to stop it.