Recently I posted a blog that Tameaka Shelton said she disagreed with in regard to my approach. It had her looking at how she sees things, and she discussed the situation on her radio show today. She said that she had made me wrong for the way that I did it.
I hadn't read it in a few days so I went back and read it again. It is hard. It is harsh. I could see why some people would be uncomfortable reading it. It is also REAL.
I have been dealing with this situation over a year now. And while there may be some new people coming to this cancer party, this is not new for me. This is now all too urgently familiar. I can't come to it new every time I post. It wouldn't be as real - and as immediate - as that blog was. I imagine I could have handled things a bit better, if I had been calmer. But I wasn't calm. I was desperate.
I am truly sorry for anyone I might have offended or felt attacked by the words. That certainly was not the intention. But as you may know - provided you are human - we sometimes cannot be as restrained as others may like us to be, and sometimes a reaction with restraint does not address what truly needs to be addressed.
If everyone is walking around smiling all nicey-nice people are not going to get how urgent situations like mine are. I guarantee you I am not the only one dealing with stuff like this.
I don't like being so verbal. I don't like being judged for it. Anna Renault was on Tameaka's show and said that when she was first diagnosed with cancer she didn't ask for help. She felt she shouldn't need it. But in time, her circumstances changed, and she had to. I am sure many don't want to ask for help. It is a hard blow on the ego for sure. It is hard in so many ways.
The fact is if my need wasn't so urgent, I would never, ever have done what I have done. NEVER. I haven't had a choice. I am not able to depend on anyone else financially. I am only now - with a recurrence - eligible for Disability, but it will take months to get, and when I do it won't be enough to live on.
I would much rather work. I would much rather have an income. I know that things get blurry when I talk about my need. Am I trying to get a business going? If so, I am just like everyone else, right? No. I am trying to find a way that I don't need to be asking for the help that I need so much. I don't want to go this route - but it is the only one that I seem to be able to take.
I keep thinking that in some way it may be helpful for others, too. At a recent networking meeting someone thanked me for speaking up as I have. If I could stop being one of the only ones that seems to be willing to break with convention, maybe what I say wouldn't be so offensive - or better yet, would not even be needed.
Tameaka asked the question is there a right way to ask for help. I have often related my situation to someone drowning. If you think of it along those lines, are you not going to rescue or pay attention to someone if they don't ask for help the right way? Are you going to get offended if they don't say the right thing the right way? Are you doing to judge how they're drowning? I would like to think the answer is "of course not." Granted in the life we live we don't see the metaphorical drowning as clearly as the "real" kind, but how are you going to know how bad things are if no one speaks up?
Thank you for your honesty Tameaka, and for the much needed discussion.