Saturday, June 8, 2013

Trying to Find My Way

Last night was a bad night.

I was talking to someone and they could hear it in my voice. Was I OK? Yea, fine.

Always fine. I could occasionally drown in an ocean of fines. What do you say after a while?

What do you say when you are feeling stressed constantly? What do you say when you want to take care of yourself physically but need to address way many more things than you can tackle physically? What do you say when you over and over and over and over have the same issues, the same concerns? What do you say when you've begged for help and your savings are running out?

When I act like I am Ok, people think I am OK. But even the calmest of oceans can have a strong undercurrent. I can't, nor do I want to, walk around all the time talking about how stressed I am and all of the questions and concerns I have. But they are there. They never leave. I am really scared in the middle of all of this packing and sorting and moving my body is going to need help again as I may be bloating again, and I don't know how I am going to do it all.

I know. One step at a time. There are times it helps more than others. There are times I just am beside myself. There are times it all is just too much. So many times I wish I could throw - or give - everything away. But there is so much of "me" that I am discovering/rediscovering in the process. In some ways, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I think it may be helping me in some way. But it is still hard to know what to do with many of my things. And don't forget that feeling of urgency that I feel.

Last night I dreamt I was going somewhere. I don't know exactly where. But I walked into a house and was at some point trying to find my way out. I thought I knew, but it wasn't the exit. So many times lately I dream of many rooms and trying to find my way. I eventually found my way out and I was walking along a path that led to water. I think it was beautiful. I held onto a side rope that I somehow went past the end. I kept going out over the water and up. I figured sooner or later it would pull me back in. But I think I started to fall into the water. I think I then woke up.

I guess it speaks to my trying to find my way and my way out of my situation and my feeling of holding onto to dear life, but there not being much under me in the way of support. I did not sleep well last night. I tossed and turned and had many dreams. I am exhausted today from all that travelling.

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