Monday, June 3, 2013

Disappearing Acts & the cancer Card

Dealing with cancer makes dealing with people very difficult because so many don't know how to deal with the "c" word. Since many can't deal with the "c" word, they forfeit dealing with the person who is affected. Many people find themselves abandoned by those they thought were friends and those they thought would be there.

I have dealt with this from Day 1, so I was kinda used to it. But in the last several months, I had posted on a dating site that I was looking for friends. I said it for a few reasons, one of which definitely had to do with cancer. I wasn't sure how anyone would react, and figured that if I approached it in friendly terms, it would make things a lot easier.

So one day I met a guy. I wasn't sure about meeting him. But I don't quite remember why. But we did meet and he seemed to be quite alright about my situation. At the time, I was out of chemo and my scan was clear. We spent some time together and it was lovely. I felt very comfortable with him and thought that just maybe I had found what I was looking for. And not only was the time spent wonderful, he also was quite sweet to help me a bit financially, as well.

I wasn't sure that I should, but I shared this blog with him. He told me when he was reading it. He marveled at how I was managing. He seemed to understand what many didn't. He seemed quite compassionate.

Then - not too long after I found out about the 3 spots - he stopped communicating. I felt like something was up. But I didn't know quite what. He was the one who had asked me to do some artwork for him so I was trying to contact him to discuss things. He acted like a guy who wasn't interested in a woman who was after him. His communications were sporadic, if any. He went from being engaged and communicative to something totally different.

We had kind of "serious" text(!) conversations. It was not the way *I* wanted to handle things. Something was big time off and I thought we should talk, but getting him on the phone didn't seem possible. He would rather write me long text messages than speak with me.

I ultimately explained to him that I was just trying to speak with him about the art. That was somewhere in the midst of him telling me what he liked about me when we first met. He spoke to me like he was trying to let me down easy. I kinda laughed. "Get over yourself," I thought. I wasn't interested in him "that" way. Could I have been at some point? I don't know. I was too busy enjoying what we had to do much more than what I was doing.

I also was honest about being disappointed. I don't know what he made that mean. I was simply disappointed that something that I enjoyed, and seemed promising, wasn't going to work out.

In the midst of what he said, he told me that he didn't know how to deal with my situation. I don't know what he was talking about. He was doing splendidly. If he had just continued to do what he was doing, it would have been just fine. He also made some comment that turned things around and made it about me - an assessment that was off base. He said something about my need for "stability" when all I was looking for was him to communicate with me when I communicated with him and expressed a need/desire to speak. And those times - by the way - were at the kind of reasonable intervals one uses when one wants to connect.

The only reason I had continued to reach out to him was the ethics I had regarding my outstanding commitment to him. If it hadn't been for that, I would have let things go long before then, as the way he was acting was a sign of not being interested, and wanting to put some distance.

Since that conversation I have not heard from him, and I have my doubts that I will. I share this in part to exorcise the situation out of me. Another reason I share it is because it would seem that cancer has affected yet another. And even if he was just using it as an excuse, it doesn't really matter. It still was played as a card.

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