Monday, June 3, 2013

Some More of My History

When my cousin got married, I was one of her bridesmaids. I loved the dress she picked. We have always been somewhat similar, and I thought her choice was gorgeous. I had lost a lot of weight and felt really great in that dress.

The rest of the day and story was quite painful. The guy I lived with at the time had given me so much grief. At one point we were driving to NY for the wedding and he threatened to turn around and go back home.

He was sick for a good part of the trip, but didn't really tell me much, he just sort of disappeared. I wasn't as "enlightened" as I am now, so I didn't handle it too well. For someone who is not a drinker, I think I had 3-4 Sex on the Beaches. By the end of the night I was feeling it.

There were other people having drama that day, too.

And then that night as he and I talked, I know he was not happy either, and that I really should care about what he was saying, but I remember hoping that I wasn't going to fall asleep in the middle of the one-sided conversation. Then he'd REALLY be mad. The fact was, he was a real pain to me in so many ways. I sometimes wondered if he was threatened by the fact that I had lost weight. I had been much bigger when we met. I had thought about posting the full picture which was of us. But because I may one day say more about him and us, I thought better of it.

At the reception he felt like he needed to take this picture of me. At the time, I was pissed. Now, though, I can look at it and laugh. I am almost glad I have it.

I have learned so much since that relationship. I don't know if I would do it again, if I could. At the same time I am appreciative of who I became because of it. I somehow knew walking into it that it wasn't the best idea. I so had my doubts. But I chalked them up to things they weren't, probably in some part because I also knew I had to do it.

I look at these pictures, and in some ways I barely recognize myself.

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