Today I wrote to someone and told him how I am becoming disheartened. I said a part of me really wants to give up. I also said that it scares me to think that.
Afterward I got to thinking about what I said.
I don't think I meant giving up in the sense of wanting to die, per se. But the thing is - and this is the part that scares me - how fine is the line between giving up on what is going on in my life and giving up on my life? Is giving up in my life a way of telling any "powers that be" that I give up on my life?
And even if I gave up in my life, what does that mean exactly? I would have a hard time just stopping. Stopping writing. Stopping blogging. Stopping creating. Stopping photography. Stopping caring about anything, really. It seems to be a part of who I am. The thing is though I feel like it is hard to for me to do the things I want to do because I am so busy trying to survive.
I don't want to only live a life trying to survive. Could whoever is in charge of miracles please help? I really need one. A BIG one. I am thankful for the small ones...but a BIG one would be soooo very appreciated.
If there are parts of me that I am supposed to let go of,
the least that could happen is for me stop wanting them.
Anything else is just plain torture.
Oh? And about that part of me that wants to give up?
My friend tells me I should just tell that part to shut up.
I don't know that I can.
But reading that brought a smile to my face.
I really don't know that any part of me really wants to give up.
I just think no part of me knows what the heck to do.