I feel like I am caught in a web of the world between worlds. Just a few days ago I was concerned about keeping things and what I would do and now a switch has gone off and many things I once cared about enough to consider keeping are free to go. Now I just have to figure out how they will go. I could donate the items, but I am thinking that I would prefer to try to sell some and see what money I could get for them.
That should be interesting.
I can't wait 2 weeks to make plans. So I may be making plans and it will turn out that everything is just fine. Damn doctors. I can't shake what they said. They didn't leave much room for it to be "nothing."
I need to figure out how I am going to do everything I need to do without knowing what my friend is doing. He hasn't said I can't live with him - it still falls in the realm of possible. So how much do I keep and how much do I dispose of? I am of the mind now that if I have to start over, so be it. I put together a home before and I will do it again if I have to. Although I don't know that I will be...and I don't know that I mean it in a negative way...I am not sure how it is meant, quite frankly.
I spoke with my friend about my desire to make plans. I did that because I don't want to hamper his plans. He very sweetly told me to make plans, and if I had a plan before he did, then he would work around me.
Last night I dreamt about someone I really liked in high school. We had a really weird dynamic that I never understood. Things ended quietly - on his end. He just stopped communicating. I have thought about him, often wondering how he is. I heard he got himself in trouble a few times. I have wondered how it would be to talk to him after all of this time. Would he tell me anything that I did not know? Would he help to fill in the parts that made me feel the way I did?
I was surprised to see him in the dream. He was with someone that was unexpected. He - once slim and nice looking - was now with a good size gut and many bottom teeth were missing. But now he was expressing an interest in being with me.
I didn't know what to make of the dream, and still don't.
I went to sleep last night thinking about A. With everything that has been happening I reached out to him. I asked for his help. His responses to my messages were superficial and totally ignored my requests. I told him I was OK if he didn't want to do what I was asking, but between you and me, I didn't expect him to totally ignore them. It hurt. Still does.
I am not sure what it is about it that hurts. We are obviously different people as I can not understand why he is keeping his distance from me. Not that him telling me would help, necessarily. People can tell you their logic, but if it's not yours, while you can respect it it is difficult to grasp. I respect where he is, even though I wish he wanted to be more a more active friend. It bothers me more than I want it to. I suspect it is in how things came to pass. We went from talking every day to nothing. There was no petering out. Just boom, done. At least on my side.
I need to let these feelings go. I suspect they can't be helping me. Maybe they are a sign of something deeper that has nothing to do with him. I often think that when it comes to men I have issues when they choose to leave because in some ways that is what my father chose to do.
Although technically he was never there to be able to leave.
Was I not good enough for him to be around? I know that I don't really believe that...but there are times I wonder if my subconscious thinks otherwise. And then there was the fact that I did not know who my father was for years. I was about 13/14 when I found out. So for years there was a huge disconnect. There was a part of me that I couldn't connect with. And then...when I could connect, when I did know who he was, I ran scared when I had the opportunity to meet him face to face. I locked myself in the basement and then the bathroom.
We wrote some when I was in high school, but I don't remember what the letters were about. And then, when I was in college, he died. So I never really had a relationship with the man. In many ways my grandfather was more of a father to me. I loved my grumpy grandfather. He was always yelling, but I know he loved me. Once, when I was in elementary school I won an award and he made a point of coming to see me win it. (I think my grandmother was in the hospital at the time.)
He also bought me a $15 radio that I really wanted. And he was also smart enough to figure out when I was asking about football that I was asking because I liked a boy (the nerve!). There was another time I was away at school and needed something, he made a huge effort to get it to me when I needed it. I didn't realize how much of an effort until a neighbor told me years later.
"Funny" the things you think about when your life is on the edge.
A moment ago I got up and took a break. As I did I was thinking about how emotionally attached we are to things and people in this life. It is fascinating to me, actually - given the relatively short blip of time we are here as the person we are. Nothing in life matters all that much, really. At least not inherently on its own. What would it be like to strip down to nothing? To strip down to the bare essentials? It certainly seems like it would be pretty freeing. I got rid of a lot of things when I left California and it felt really good.
What if my life is about letting go?
So many people in my life have come and gone. I have moved countless times. I have had many things that I no longer have. There have been so many endings. It is certainly not anything I have consciously chosen. As a matter of fact, I have often done whatever I could to have it be anything but what it was. But it seems life has had other ideas and intentions.
How does one reconcile what their life was compared to what the desired life was? Some would say that what happened was the right thing, purely because it is what happened. So many times my version of the script varied from the one that played out. So many times it led to pain. There were times that there was unexpected good on the other side of that pain. But I had to go through stuff first - even if it was just time.
There was someone I came to care a lot about in the last few years and he was someone I was being cautious with for several reasons. At the same time we connected in such an amazing way I found myself stepping into it, despite the fear. In the end, he did the same thing A did. He stepped back, silently. For a long time we didn't talk. And now we barely communicate. It took a long time for me to move on and get past him. For a long time I think we were still connected even though we didn't communicate in any obvious ways.
Now there is no more pain there. It is just something I dealt with and is now in my past. I am grateful for what was and would likely do it again given the knowledge and opportunity. At the same time, I would have preferred that it had a different ending.
Why is it that so much of my life varies from what I seem to want? I sometimes am afraid that my time here will close and what I always thought was possible will never come to pass. There are things I thought would happen that never did. I hope that it won't end on such a disappointing note. I hope that even if it does not happen, I find some perspective that allows me some peace.
What if our life is not about us - but we just think it is. What if life isn't about the lessons we learn, but rather about the things we teach others? What if we are all teachers and how we are is what gives others what they need in life. And what if what they need is not what they want? Why do we want something different? I have heard we are not given a desire that we don't have the power to fulfill. I don't know if I believe that. Too many times strong desires of mine were never realized.
It seems rather cruel to me that we may desire something with every fiber of our being and not be able to have it. No wonder we stop dreaming and dreams die. Why set yourself up for failure and disappointment?
Recently someone suggested I use hypnosis to help myself. I said I already was. I also said that I was also "human." No matter what I do, I can't "defeat" my human side. I can't change the fact that I am very much human underneath it all and I have my moments that are less than perfect or stellar.
But even if I could defeat it,
would I want to? It makes me
wonder what would be left.
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