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I started this blog...but then had to do other things. I want to continue what I was saying, but I have to get some things off my chest. I am feeling very overwhelmed and scared.
My friend was talking about moving, but there is still nothing about what will happen in regard to me. Then I was sorting out my finances a bit, and my account is getting really low. I really am amazed at how far I have gotten. Thank goodness for the goodness of others.
I really can't go on another beg-fest. Not only is it hard to do, I am just hoping that something will come of Ken Newman's generosity later this month. I am also hoping some real good will come out of the GoFundMe that Ayngel and I are pulling together.
It is so difficult to balance everything. I don't know how I can, really. There is just so much going on at once. I don't know how well a "healthy" person would handle everything. But then again a healthy person wouldn't have the whole pile up that I do. You really have to be healthy to handle the mess you run into being sick.
I made a comment tonight about how I must be crazy trying to plan for a month long trip when I can't even handle my day-to-day life. And immediately after my thoughts went to "This might be your only chance. This is not like a 'regular' thing."
There are some days that I feel totally "normal" and I need to remind myself how much I have to deal with. I can only imagine that most everyone else has even a more difficult time remembering what is going on with me. Plus, why would they want to? I imagine there are some who are thinking, "This has been going on for months now. It should be over by now, shouldn't it?" if they are even thinking about it at all.
If I can't get those closest to me to realize what is going on, am I going to be able to get strangers thinking about it? I have heard of many people having these same difficulties. There is a low threshold for this type of on-going difficulty. I wonder how I would have been if someone close to me had been in my situation before I ever was. I suspect I might not have been so great. But I would like to think if it was someone close and/or someone I could really help I would have gotten over myself and managed to find a way to understand and be helpful. After all, I have often tried to help out people when I can. Maybe not has much or as often as I would have liked, but I know it is in me.
Today I was flipping through the book Womb Wisdom recommended by Mare. I found a piece about allowing the darkness. I wish I can remember where I saw it. I will have to come back and share when I do. Something the author says confirms my belief that we need to allow the "negativity," and I love the way it is expressed.
Maybe this is a good time to go back and talk about my visit with Mare. We wound up in a nursery. It was a beautiful day and I was more than happy to be with her somewhere in nature. If you remember, she is the one who says she talks to plants, and other things non-human. While we spoke, she suggested at some point that we walk around and "receive" from the plants. She told me that the plant life misses the connection we as humans once had with it, that the plants really are here for us.
It was interesting for me to consider talking with the plants myself. And I opened myself up as we walked around. I found that one plant seemed "shy." There were others that were more standoffish, like "don't touch me." Mare said they didn't really have much to give. My response was, "That's OK. I can give to them." There was one that the energy felt like a cat's head nuzzled in my hand.
I realize this may be way out there for some. And that is more than fine for me. We aren't all in the same place, and I certainly wasn't always here myself. But what I did feel was pretty cool. It makes me want to go back there. I also felt differently as I passed all of the trees on the highway coming home. It also makes me wonder what else I have yet to discover and experience in this life.
As we were getting ready to leave, Mare felt my family around us when I told her about my visit to the cemetery. It was confirmation that they were indeed there, and indeed here, to help me. I was thankful for the validation. There really are times I know I am not making anything up, but it is nice to have someone confirm it.
The uncle I had visited in the cemetery had been dead a relatively short period of time when I went to someone who did healing work. I had thought much of this particular uncle, but really didn't know him all that well. He was a very sweet man.
When he died, I was much more emotional than seemed "logical," and I wanted some help to get calmer. While I was working with the woman she asked me what he was saying to me. I heard something in my head, but I didn't want to say. I don't know what I thought, but somehow I was discrediting it, or thought I would somehow be wrong to say. At one point she said to me, "He's saying 'Don't Worry,' isn't he?" And that was exactly what I was hearing in my head. How could she have possibly have known?
I wondered if he was a guide of mine.
I had always wanted to go back to the cemetery after his funeral, but never did - atleast not until the day before I left NY and I stopped to visit him before visiting my aunt. It felt important. It felt like something I needed to do. I thought about not going, but something was compelling me to go. And now I can say I am glad that I listened. I felt like my ancestors were saying they were supporting me. It felt a lot like when the Native Americans talk about The Ancestors. It was the first time I ever felt really connected to those who came before me. Those I really did not know. But I felt power in that moment. It was "their" power. It was like they knew something I did not. It was like they were there with me, but in a way that doesn't fit what we know of this world and of life to be.
It was very surreal.
And as I write it seems to me that maybe that day was an opening of some sort for me. I got the sense that I am not supposed to go anywhere any time soon, that there is still work for me to do here. I also get the sense that whether I stay or whether I go is up to me. Things like this have me so calm at times, it doesn't seem logical. And other times, the emotions bubble up and I am soon swimming in them. I certainly prefer the former, but it is interesting how much louder the latter is.
Well.
I am feeling much calmer than I was when I started this. I wonder if remembering them is what did it. I wonder if they had something to do with that. I get the feeling that they did have a lot to do with it. If this is all "real" and "true" in some way, it makes me wonder how much I may have missed. And then again, maybe things are exactly as they were meant to be.
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