I have been pushing the last few days, and today my body just said, "No more."
As a result, it is now 11:00 and I am more awake than I should be. And I am still tired.
I am really struggling.
I have been having issues around the radio show. It is frustrating because I had doubts about doing it, but did it any way. And despite my efforts to have everything as clear and as smooth as possible and communicate as much and as clearly as possible, things just are not working out well. There are more bumps than I can tolerate at times.
I have also been all too aware of my inability to read the way I used to. A friend of mine used to laugh at how quickly I could inhale a book. Sometimes I could easily read a book in a day. I can't seem to do that any more. I am hoping that will change, but it is one of the things that seems to be lingering as a result of chemo.
I also have been pushing in regard to trying to get a crowd funding campaign going. it is a lot of work. I am sure some think it is so easy to do, but it has been a lot of work and a lot of effort and I am not done yet. And once it is up, I have to do what I can to share about it while I start packing for a move while I try to plan for a month plus long trip.
Someone told me that all of the things I have going on is "impressive." I don't know what *I* think, other than the fact that in many ways it seems necessary. I really don't know how else I could be doing things right now. This is in some part desperation.
Ayngel told me today that I might be in the credits in conjunction with her in the documentary she is in. That would be kind of cool. In addition, the documentary premieres in Telluride in just a few weeks - less than a week from when we are supposed to embark on our trip.
I am at the point that all I can do is surrender. Whatever happens at this point, happens. I don't really have much more to give. I want to spend a couple of days doing next to nothing and then I want to start the packing. I really don't know how I am going to do it. I need to get the work done for the fundraiser first.
I am also missing A, which is weird because he feels so distant to me. It really makes me sad that he has abandoned everything. In some ways I feel like I have moved on, but there is still something that remains. Maybe it is the part of me that used to appreciate what he offered me when I was feeling stressed. You would think by now that part of me would have moved on, but I guess because I don't really have an outlet like that now, it goes back to what it knows - or at least once knew.
For the most part I feel OK about how things are with me in regard to the MRI I need to have next week, but there are times I do get concerned, especially when I get to a point that makes me wonder what the point of my being here is. I doubt it is to struggle. At least I hope it is not.
I have helped a few people lately with some things that really align with where my heart is these days. Hypnosis can be so magical, and I love when I can say some magic words and impact someone at a core level. It feeds my soul while it nurtures theirs.
I really have a knack as a hypnotist. I really do. I just wish I knew how to market myself in a way that would help me to be able to help others more. As I think about this, my head is starting to spin.
Some would say it is all about marketing. The frustrating thing for me is that I really don't know that I believe that. I have seen that "rule" violated. Not often. But it has been. So what is it then? What is it that seems to prevent me from doing what I can do?
What if I AM doing what I can do? What if how I do what I do is all I am supposed to do? I hear in my head, "it's not." It feels like preparation for something else. But isn't much of life preparation for something else?
I have had questions like this before. It just gets a bit more scary - and pointy - when I wonder how close my time is to running out. Regardless of whether cancer does anything now or if I live another 30 or more years, the question remains.
30 years will go by all too quickly.
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