"Stay Strong"

With all of the reaching out I have been doing, in conjunction with the news that what is going on with me is considered to be a "recurrence" by doctors, I have had a lot of people tell me to "stay strong" or "be strong."

While I appreciate what goes behind it, I must admit I am not fond of that expression. I suppose people don't know what to say, and want to say something they think would be helpful. Well. Between the two of us, I will tell you why I am not a big fan of it.

Even the strongest dams can break under a tremendous amount of pressure.

One can only be strong for only so long, especially when being pelted by many of life's major concerns.

Right now nothing in my life is certain. Everything is up in the air. Everything. Where I will move. When I will move. How I will get money. How I will make a living. Where my things will go that I keep. What things I won't keep. When I will be moving. My health. The people in my life. And on. And on. And on.

Well. Maybe I lied. Maybe there is ONE thing that is certain: I am still breathing. Well. Maybe two. I am exhausted. Well. Maybe, to be fair, there could be other things, but they can be easily lost in the midst of the turbulent storm that is my life right now. (You may be tempted to judge me, or tell me otherwise - but please don't. If you stood where I now stand, you might, like me, think otherwise. Allow me that.)

It is a lot. At times I break down. It is too much. If I was at least making a living...or at least knew I was going to live in a place that was conducive to my healing...or had money...I would be able to breathe a little easier.

Time and again I talk about the people in the sidelines. I love them for being there, I really do. But the thing is I can't continue this "race" unless I have some help. I cannot make it on my own.

If I could, believe me - I absolutely would.

I have noticed people sharing what is going on with me, but they are not acting on it themselves. I wish I understood why. If you believe in it - and me - enough to post and share it, why not contribute a $1? I don't understand. I don't understand why people are more willing to send money to the unique tragedies that unfold in the distance than they are to the ones that unfold in our backyards and in our daily lives.

I don't like saying these things. I really don't want to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. I know that people are doing the best they can. But the thing is if I don't say it, who will?? Those who are unaffected will likely remain that way until or if they are if no one tells them a thing or two about what is going on. Plus so many who are affected can't or won't talk about it. And those who are unaffected probably don't have enough of a clue to say or do anything, either.

So that leaves...me (and those like me).

I tell you when the only direction you think you can go is down,
you become desperate enough to say and do things
you never thought you would.

Want me to stay strong? The best way is for you to help me in a tangible way.

In the meantime, I'll probably stay strong - until I am not.

PS If you've ever said this to me, please know I *DO* love you for it. But perhaps it is good that you are aware of this perspective. I have a hunch I am not the only one who feels/has felt this way.