Thoughts from my Past

Back in 2002 I was working through one of those books that take you through several journaling exercises. I don't remember the name of the book, and am not even sure if I have it any more. But what I do have are some of my journaling from it.

Given that it is 11 years ago, plus, I find it interesting to view some of the things I wrote. As I re-read them, I am not sure what everything means myself, so I am not sure how much sense it will make to you. Much of it was a response the questions asked in the book. It is in very rough form.

I can see progress within me in some respects as I read this. In other ways, maybe not so much. I need to come back to this at some point when I can fully and completely look at it. But that time is not now...too many other things I need to be doing.

?? = unknown date
**

I find myself wondering about my life accomplishments - almost as if - are there any? I look at how I am viewed by my family - and feel as though they think I have nothing. Friends  however, will think otherwise. I DO have so much. I have exactly the life I need to have. Nothing is permanent! I know what truly matters - in heart and soul.

I always wanted to hide - almost disempowering - as in hiding, it was like I did not exist! My financial problems aren't letting me hide! I am angry. I want to hide, but I need to stop.

5//17/02
As a child, I felt powerless, as an adolescent, I didn't want the responsibility of power. It left me vulnerable, but not in a position that i wanted to be in - and yet it was exactly what I wanted. It was a Catch-22! I wanted power but couldn't allow it because I couldn't accept the responsibility of the power, but I wanted the power, but couldn't allow it...and in the meantime, my life was happening! it was caught in a whirlwind of no focus.

I am so confronted! I want to walk away from this, get distracted. I can and do focus on my power in this world. I am no longer willing to accept my life without power and without responsibility. I see the two go hand in hand, and I accept them both, so that I may dwell in my life powerfully.

??
Growing up I needed to be an adult, but couldn't be responsible like an adult - it was imbalanced. I was an adult without full "card privileges." So I am needing to be an adult, but do not have the power to do what I need to do. Like being a figurehead? Being trapped in expectations. As a child I got that I was powerless and that never shifted.

As a teen it wasn't safe to express my emotions. Just had an image of grandma and OJ & drugs and G. forcing me to do something - feeling smushed down - have no power. Is power the ability to choose? If so, I have no power as a child and pick a man I have no power with either - because it's comfortable to be uncomfortable??

??

If someone loves me they'll believe and protect me? With that comes trust - and that trust was broken as a child. SO can I ever truly trust (read: love and be loved) again? I have collapsed love and trust and protection. It's not save to love or be loved?

??

I wouldn't have thought so, but I think I am afraid of love.
At times I am concerned about where love will take me (where being loving will take me).
I know God is love and that he loves me, but believe I am numb to the feeling of the love.
I believe love is a beautiful thing in its purest form.
I sometimes can get caught in my emotions which can sabotage the expression of love.
Power lives in my heart. It's red and it's a heart that holds the world.
Love lives in my stomach, and resembles a gift. It's yellow (emotions!) - emotions as a gift?!

I see how love and power relate. The symbol for power is after all a heart! They are equals in size, and both come from colors from the lower chakras... however, power lives in the heart chakra! It would see that while love lives in the emotional center. I will do anything but be emotional when it comes to love?!a

??

What is my metal process? Often scattered - everywhere and no where. Tired, at times...doesn't want to deal - but can be very clear, very succinct, very creative.

I was an "adult" child. I react to the child and teenager as inapproprriate and yet I can be silly...very much like a chld? I don't think I ever got to be a child - and yet the child lives within me. I was unaccpetable as a child or a teenager. As a child, unwanted, as a teenager, inappropriate expressions of emotions - a pushing down. At times I feel as though I need to have it all together. Many times. But then, I often do? I wanted to be an adult when I was a child - as I felt as I had no say in my life as a chld - but never really learned what it meant to be an adult - that taking responsibility was more than just "doing" things. I was a great manipulator - which is a way of disempowering myself. I couldn't be who I needed to be - so I manipulated the way others were -??

I ignore my body, the physical. I just skim the surface of the physical world. I also "hide" in the world...often soft, silent, hidden. My spirit is strong, but heaven forbid anyone know, or noitce!

2/13/02
My power lives in my heart.
I do not physically express my power. If I do, it is with trepidation, with quaking in my boots.
I am uncomfotable with my physcial power.
I only express power through really sad emotions and even then I want to crumble up.
When I contemplate power, I feel anxiety - a butterfly feeling - anger??
I am afraid of power.
On some level, I am afraid of what it means to be a person sof power.
I am comfortable with the power of God.
I own my own power, but do not use it.
Power and spirit can and do exist.
I do not always trust the power of my mind.
I think power is abused - and that it does not often do the positive things that it can to aid people.