Friday, May 31, 2013

Just Trying to Survive (Feeling Overwhelmed & Grateful & Making Progress)

I have been trying to sort through things. It has been laborious and painful. It is amazing how much of a mess I have accumulated the last couple of years. Much of it, sadly, is paperwork. I need to save everything, being in business for myself. Plus there are a ton of papers from medical matters. All of which is one huge mess that I am trying to sort through on a bigger level before I try to tackle it on a smaller one.

I have been close to tears more than once.

In the basement are a number of boxes that were never unpacked. I go back and forth in my mind about what to do with the stuff. There are a number of things that - if I was to have my own place again - would be nice to have. I really hate the idea of getting rid of a lot of it. But I may not have a choice. I don't know what to think. I don't want to regret doing anything.

I touched those boxes a bit. But I have been focusing more lately on the unboxed stuff. Until I know what is going to happen/where I am going to move too much is up in the air outside of just getting rid of stuff. But at the same time, there would be things I would keep if I could.

It is a big, overwhelming mess.

In the middle of the mess I have other things I need to deal with, as well. And, so far, except for the needle mix up the first day, the Mistletoe treatment has been going OK. I haven't hit the "jackpot" vial yet - the one that my body reacts to enough to say "this is the one" it needs. I am amazed that I have been remembering to take it.

I have also begun an outside writing project that I had wanted to do every day, and had intended to. Well. It hasn't happened. However in the 9 days since I started it, I think I have done 7. With all that has been going on, I am going to give myself credit for doing it at all.

Plus I have the added "pressure" of my #303030 30 Days. 30 Causes. 30 Dollars. I need to remember to do one new one every day.

Why do I do this to myself? I also have a business idea that I would love to start/implement but I just don't think I can. It would wind up a mess and add to my already big mess.

I don't know how I am going to get out of this.

In addition in a couple of months one credit card with a large amount of debt is going from an interest rate of 1.99% up to 14.99%. I am scared. It means a larger monthly payment and significant more debt. I have only been paying the minimum for months, for what are likely obvious reasons. And that is on top of the fact that I have charged another credit card recently because I wanted to conserve some of my cash for the types of bills I can't charge (like my nearly $700/mo health insurance premium bill).

And then...

My mind wanders.

It thinks about how many people know what is going on with me these days, but I haven't heard from them. And then a few that I do act like the world is as it ever was. They act like everything is normal and OK. And it is soooo not.

It thinks about the things I have been posting. It thinks about how my life has been. It thinks about the on-going challenges to live into whatever I am supposed to live into. It thinks about how I have so much I could offer the "right" people, if only I knew how to find them. And how little energy I feel I have most days. But how I have to push, as my friend will need me to move and I am going to need to be ready.

And then...

I think about how grateful I am for Ken Newman and Michael Banks and Nathan Trebes and Chris Hardy for what they have done or will be doing in terms of the Fundraising Event that is being held in my honor from 3p-6p in San Francisco (click above banner or sidebar image for details). Even if it nets me $1 more than I have, I am grateful. However, I am really hoping for ALOT more - more because I would like for them to be able to see something come from their efforts.

When all goes well, there should be both a video of the event and an audio recording.

In the midst of the mess that is my life right now I am grateful for the small miracles for without them I would not have gotten this far. I certainly wouldn't mind some bigger ones, though. Anyone got an in with the Big Guy?

I am exhausted. I wouldn't mind getting some much needed breathing room. It is not like I would sit back and do nothing. If anything it would help me do more as I wouldn't be spending so much time and energy just trying to survive.

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