I told myself I should write down the first dreams I woke up from to remember them, but I didn't. I don't know what I remember at this point, but I went back and had some more horrible dreams.
At one point I was on a train. I was with someone I knew, but then danger threatened, and I wound up by myself. The person left me. At one point I tried to move forward on the train, but then tried to get back and couldn't seem to. I was scared and by myself even though there were people around me.
This I believe was taking place an hour outside of St. Louis. And the freakiest part was that "we"? knew something was going to happen, and when looking out the window at one point it went from daylight to pitch black in 3 "levels." In other words, it was light, then darker, then darker still, then pitch black.
But the train kept going for a bit, and there was hope it was just a tunnel. There was hope that the world did not end. Although at one point the train was not moving.
It was like I was invisible on that train at one point. Invisible with so many people around me.
Eventually there seemed to be daylight again, but there was a question about whether or not the train had beat the catastrophe there. It was a question the dream never answered.
The other dream had to do with cars, and I am not sure if my recently passed aunt was there, but my uncle was. I think I was in their house and was getting ready to leave. My uncle gave me quite an incredible hug. I wish I could remember more. I know it wasn't a great dream overall, though.
I know I must be sorting out what I am feeling when awake. So many people SAY they are there for me, so many SAY they are rooting for me, but when it comes down to it, many of these people do nothing to tangibly help. The biggest help I need right now is financial. And while I realize it is not easy for many these days, even $5 would help. Heck, even enough $1s would help.
I have believed this for a long time, having set up a site called DollarDifference.com, in the hope of creating something that addresses how people can make a difference for $1, or less. It is not something that I have just come to because *I* need help.
It is really hard for me to see the pleas for help for those affected by the tragedies that have occurred over the last year. I am glad that they are getting the help. I don't begrudge a single person's ability to get it. I know they must need it. Where I have difficulty is why are people more willing to help a stranger and promote helping a stranger than they are in helping someone like me?
It really is frustrating and sad for me. How do I convey the pain and difficulty that I face in a way that people listen and, more importantly, act? I know people are facing the same kind of issues I am, but it is not the same. It is like I faced my own personal tornado that came along and uprooted everything I knew. And then others came behind it.
I haven't lost everything in a physical sense, but the threat looms. I may have to get rid of so many things. I may have to file for bankruptcy. I have to keep my fingers crossed I can somehow continue to pay my health insurance. I don't know where I am going to live. I have to figure out how to pay for things that take care of me, like most recently Misteltoe treatment. So much of what people take for granted about day-to-day life is a challenge for me. I have trouble coping with the most simple of life's necessities.
Someone asked me recently if people somehow do not see my vulnerability I didn't really understand the question at first. After all, I have been so open with everything. How could they not see it? But what she was saying was that they just see how I am managing to make it and their focus is on that. So many have told me how strong and courageous I am. It seems like somehow that is supposed to "feed" me.
I am so tired. So very tired. Yesterday I was driving and I had some thoughts that weren't the best. I wondered what it would be like not to be here. There are times I am not sure anyone would miss me. I feel very much like I did on that train. So many people around me and so very much alone and scared.
I also have to add that I am feeling defensive as I write. I feel defensive because when I have written blog entries in the past like this, I have felt attacked by some who have suggested that I have not been grateful for what I have gotten. Many times I have expressed gratitude for getting as far as I have. I have expressed gratitude for what has been able to occur. But when you are constantly living on the edge the way that I have been, it is difficult to not feel like I am feeling today from time to time. To suggest that I am in some way not grateful or that I should not in some way feel like this is completely unrealistic. Besides which, those two things are not mutually exclusive.
It is hard for me to be this public. It really is. I wish I didn't feel like I needed to be. But I also know that *I* can't be the only one who faces these types of challenges. Someone has to speak up. Someone has to say something. It would seem I have been nominated.
In addition, this is something I very much have to do for me. I need to talk about this. I don't know if it can, or will, help me ultimately. But it doesn't seem to matter. I just need to express myself.
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Where is Charlie Sheen when you need him? :P
