Being Really Hard on Myself

I feel like I can't keep up with anything.

It really sucks, and I am starting to kick myself a bit
tonight for not being able to do things. I find myself
wondering how much of it is "me" and how much
of it I can "blame" on the chemo and what I have
been through.

It is not really that I want to blame anything, but it
is more that I am wanting to figure out what I can
do about things...and if I can figure out what things
are to "blame" I know whether or not I have any
ability to alter what is happening.

A therapist person suggested I get into some pattern.
She suggested I develop some habits, and go to bed
at the same time and start getting up at the same time.

Other than when I used to have a "real" job, and I
had to do that, I haven't done that in years. It seems
that my creative side wants nothing to do with it.
It has always had a hard time planning things.

And even before this, I never knew what to do
about the part of me that couldn't be so neatly put
into the structure of boxes. And now it is even
worse.

People have told me I need to give myself a break.

I don't know that I disagree.

At the same time I have started to think about how
I am pushing myself in the "name" of money. I am
pushing and doing and exhausting myself so that I
can get to a place that is making an income. As I
say it, I feel a great amount of fear. So basically, I
am being driven by fear.

Now...that is logical.
That makes sense.
And a part
of me says
STOP IT.

What I am doing and wanting to do is about a lot more
than "just" making money. There is a much bigger
picture. There are things that can help others. There
are ways to make a difference in the world.

What would happen if I stopped stressing about money
and focused purely on wanting to make - and making -
a difference? What if I focused on wanting to make an
impact for others?

I really don't have anything to lose at this point. I really
don't know what else to do. It is not like I am forfeiting
anything, and it is not like I know that running myself
into the ground is going to give me what I need. If
anything, it could even run counter to me succeeding
at my mission.

As I think about this, the pressure backs off. I take a
big sigh, and relax a bit. I have been putting so much
pressure on myself. I am afraid to fail, and I am still
failing. And it makes me so uncomfortable when I
can't do all that I need to do and screw up.

Enough.

I am sitting here, with a tear running down my face,
with others being manufactured as I type. I am not
sure what I have hit, but there is something.

I am doing the best I can. I know it. And it sucks
because I feel like it needs to be better or more. If
my situation deteriorates, I don't want to feel like I
didn't do enough.

That would be bad enough.

But then I fear if I do all that I can, and know that
I have done all that I could, that I might judge myself
a failure for being unable to rescue myself from the
abyss.

Ok...more tears...

Something has definitely been tapped. Stil not sure
what, exactly.

Something about love...something about being judged...
something about failing.

If I fail, you will judge me, and I will not be loved.

Hm.

Something like that, perhaps.

Given my life story, perhaps there is a part of me
that works so hard to prove that she is worthy of love,
and if she fails at what she does, and is judged for it,
then she isn't worthy of love, and doesn't get to be
loved?

And if I am not loved, I am not secure. There is
nothing that can save me. So I have to be loved. I
have to prove myself worthy. I must. If I don't,
then I will not be safe.

Since I depended on my grandparents growing up,
I may have felt I needed to show them why they
should take care of me. After all, if they didn't
want me, where would I go? I couldn't go be with
my mom.

There was always an underlying fear. Sometimes
that fear had to do with what would happen to me
if something happened to them?

My heart feels so heavy right now. There is a lump
in my throat. My face wet with tears.

The little girl in me is terrified. Any illusion of
security she had is gone. No money coming in.
No clear path. No one to save her - except perhaps
herself, and the fear that she won't be able to be
strong enough, won't be able to do enough.

My inner little girl didn't really get to be one.
I had to be adult-like years before I ever was adult
age-wise.

She was always trying to take care of things, and
be responsible. Trying to do the right thing.
Trying to take care of others. Not having a clue
how to take care of herself.

I am tired of running.

The running has made me tired.

I don't really know what to do here. But I think
I have started to do something.