Exhausted.

(to see large wallpaper sized version, click image)

I love when people tell me, "you gotta take care of yourself."

It is usually a person who has money and a job.

I just told someone today that it is interesting perspective for me as it is easy to tell someone to do something but odds are if it was that easy for them to do it, it probably would have been done.

Part of taking care of myself is getting an income. Part of taking care of me is finding a way to get less stress around the stresses of running out of money.

I haven't begged for money in a while, and I have been
thinking it is time to do some more. I get quiet after I speak
up, but then I sometimes think people think that I am OK.

Well. I am not.

Every day my bank account dwindles, and I am about to
start to use a credit card to pay some bills. I am not happy
about it at all. I already have a significant amount of debt
that I had to stop paying more than the minimum on when
this all happened.

And recently a credit card company cancelled a card
because I wasn't using it.

If I don't start using some of my cards, I may not have any
cards to fall back on - and then I will really be in trouble.

I have been pushing myself really hard the last several days.
With the Expo that I am going to participate in, I have to
plan and prepare, and it is turning out to be a whole lot of
work. Everything should be so simple, but it is not. It takes
time and energy, two very important commodities I don't
really have much of.

Today I was talking to someone about Melaleuca, and I
would love to sign up. But I don't know how I could go
about doing anything with it, as I barely have enough
energy for what I am doing. I do, however, believe it
could complement what I am doing in other regards, so
I hope to join that "train" at some point.

It is only 6:00, and it feels like it should be so much later,
and I have a couple of important things I need to take care
of tonight. When I am done here, I am going to have to
deal with that.

And then, maybe, just maybe I can get to sleep early tonight.

I may have to try to do something this weekend to give myself
a break. I just don't have a clue what that would be. I just feel
like I need something. It is times like this I really miss A. He
so often would help me relax. What he did for me was invaluable,
and I wish there was something that I could do to replace what
he used to provide.

Talking about this is making me sad. Yesterday as I put
together my video page, I was revisiting my past. It was hard
to listen and watch. Not so much for what I was saying and
dealing with, but more for the memories of things that I no
longer have, including A.

I would imagine that there is unacknowledged stress in my
body due to all that is going on. I would also imagine that
I haven't had time to truly heal from all that has happened in
the last several months.

One might think that chemo was a "vacation" of sorts, but
it was no vacation. It was a harder several months than I have
probably have ever had, and instead of being able to take care
of myself after it, I find myself struggling to survive.

Take care of myself? You have to survive to have anything
to take care of.