Tired & Restless

I am tired, and yet wired.

Do you ever feel like all seems to be OK,
but then you wonder if you have been
fooling yourself? If somehow things that
you thought were, weren't?

I am having one of those moments.

At the same time, I suspect that what I am
feeling isn't what I think I am feeling.
There is something else going on. I am sure
of it. I just don't know what it is.

But what I do know is that there is sadness
and disappointment around it. And maybe some
anger. But if it is there, it isn't blatantly
obvious.

The emotions around it aren't joy, love
and peace, that is for sure.

There is a feeling of knocking my head against
a concrete wall. The feeling of being blocked.
The feeling of great hurt.

It is good I am writing. I am once again
crying. I have lost track of how much I have
cried in the last year. But it has been streams
of tears, at least.

And I know even if they come from sucky things,
tears are a good thing. I so want to yell right
now and if I was alone, I would. But I am not,
and it is late, so it really wouldn't be a good
idea.

But my heart is beating pretty wildly at the
moment,and there is a tightness in my chest.
There is a tightness in my whole body.

And yet I am so tired.

What a combination.

I have to believe that things that have happened
lately are to my benefit somehow. I have to
believe that whatever I have done is somehow the
right thing. Even though the things made no sense,
and my logical mind would have easily overruled
me, had I let it...which I didn't.

The things felt right. I have to believe they in
some way were. I have to. Otherwise I will start
to question everything. And that won't serve me
particularly well. I have enough stuff that I am
dealing with.

I don't need to add to the pile.

Last night I dreamt I was on a train. It was
interesting, because at some point, I was visiting
a foreign country. It was interesting, in part,
because of the metaphor I wrote about being in
a foreign country recently.

I am not sure when the foreign country part came
in though. When I was on the train, I was with
a guy. I was leaning on him, and thought that
we were together. But then suddenly he moved
away, and couldn't seem to get enough distance
between us.

I said to him something to the effect of why did
you say you'd be there for me, but now move away?
It wasn't the fact that he moved away that bothered
me, as much as it was that he was saying he was
there for me, but then did something totally
opposite. Why say he'd be there for me, when he
had no intentions of being there for me?

I don't know that I got an answer.

I was so confused, angry, upset. He had been right
there with me, and then he wanted nothing to do
with me. I think there was more, but I can't
remember it.

In some ways it was exactly what happened with
"A" He was there, until he wasn't. I don't know
why I had to relive it in a dream. I got nothing
more in the dream that I got out of "real" life.

I was equally confounded.

There was no answer.

I then found myself in a foreign country. I found
myself there without my iPad or cellphone. I had
my old 35mm camera that wasn't digital, and I ran
out of film. I didn't know why I hadn't brought
my digital camera with me. That would have made
much more sense. Or even my iPad, it could have
taken pictures, too.

It was a weird combination. It was almost like
where I had been in Europe years ago, with that
camera, and yet, it felt like some place new.

Someone I knew was there, too, but she was off
doing what she wanted to do. She left me without
figuring out where or how or when we would find
each other. And without my phone I didn't know how
that would happen.

I don't remember for certain, but I think I wasn't
even sure where I was going to stay. There is
something in the back of my mind about a hotel,
but it isn't clear. I think I did wind up at a
hotel at some point.

And I am thinking someone from my past might have
been there, too. But I wouldn't swear to it. And
the person who was in the other place with me,
doing her own thing, was no where to be found.

It was like I was on my own.

It occurs to me that maybe this series of dreams
is why I can't seem to sleep tonight. I haven't
had enough disappointment in my regular life,
I have to find more of it while I sleep?

I know dreams can be helpful. I know they can
help let things go, or be solved. But I don't
really see the value in these dreams, and on
top of that, the one in which I was on the train
has lingering pain attached to it.

It was like yet another person was leaving me.

As I typed that, I started to cry again.

That is probably what bothers me the most about
"A" at this point: the fact that he is yet another
in a line of guys who have chosen abruptly to pull
up stakes and leave.

How much of this can a girl take?

How much of this can THIS girl take?

There is so much irony in the situations I have
had. They all start out in a similar way, "You
are such a great person, why are you not with
someone?"

Besides the fact that it is a damn good question,
these guys all proceed to be a reason why I am
alone. Each one of the past guys could have easily
have had me. They all had my heart - which I didn't
give easily, or quickly - and yet each one of them
ultimately chose a path that didn't include me.

I have so much to offer someone. I feel like a
part of me doesn't get to be expressed when I
am not in a relationship. It's not that I need
someone, because I am clear that I don't. But
I want someone. I want someone who I can share
myself with.

I am so clear that I have so much to offer a
relationship. I am actually quite proud of
myself for how far I have come from who and how
I used to be. I am proud of the fact that I have
loved and learned as each situation has occurred.
I am proud of the fact that even when I thought
I had given up and was resigned to being alone,
that I was able to be open and find not one,
but several possibilities along the way -
each one better than the last.

But what a damn, freaking tease.

Enough already.

I suppose I would prefer what I have to a love-less,
life-less marriage that I know so many are in.
But there has to be a place somewhere in the
middle. I have often felt that I could have that.

I don't remember if I ever said this, but I was
not surprised I had been diagnosed with cancer.
I think a part of me always knew I would be. I
know that probably sounds strange. But I somehow
just knew. I even remember last winter standing in
a particular room and suddenly having a feeling
wash over me that said I wouldn't have hair this
winter.

I don't remember a lot of things. But I remember
that moment fairly clearly. It was only a few months
before I started having more obvious symptoms, and
was within 6 months of diagnosis.

I say this in part "for the record," but I also
say it because I can only hope that the part of
me that has always felt she could have that kind
of relationship that is wonderful and enduring
comes from the same place that knew that something
like cancer was going to show up.

I have to tell you, though, a part of me is scared
that I could die never having had that. And the
thought of that takes me to a great depth of
sadness that feels like a huge, gaping hole where
there is so much indescribable pain that could
never be measured. In some ways, I guess it could
possibly be described as a black hole of painful,
gut-wrenching emotion.

**

On that note, oddly now I think I can go to sleep.
My eyes are closing. I only hope that when I visit
the "United States of Dreams" tonight, I find myself
in a better place than when I was last there.

Life is challenging and sucky enough right now
without my dreams replicating what is going on
and adding to it.