I forgot to mention (Dream)

Last night I was dreaming that I was on a train.

I dreamt that I fell asleep and missed my stop.
But I wasn't sure when I woke up what stop
I was supposed to have gotten off at, and wasn't
sure how far past the stop I was.

However, I got the feeling that I was wayyyy
past where I was supposed to be. I think I had
been kind of aware of the fact that I had missed it
as I was missing it. But I think I was too out of it
to do anything about it.

I was debating if I should get off the train (which
was more like an elevated subway) or wait for
it to turn around. I thought it might turn around
and go back at some point.

I think I let a couple of stops go by and then I
got off. But I had no idea where I was, or if the
neighborhood was safe.

I thought maybe I would get off and go to the
other side so I can go back to where I needed
to go. I was trying to be careful as I did not
want to have to pay again.

But even in being careful, I thought I might have
screwed up. I found someone to ask about it,
and I was told that there was no train that would
go back in the other direction. That wasn't possible
at this particular stop.

She tried to tell me to take a bus? car? to where
I needed to go. Something that would have cost
a lot more than the train would have. I was upset,
as that is not the answer I wanted, or needed.
Why couldn't I just do what I wanted to do?

At some point it seemed that I was able to go up
some steps and get back to where the train would
come. But I am not sure which direction I was
going to go in. I can't remember. But I think it was
the same direction I was going in when I got off
the train.

And then somewhere in there I woke up.

As I re-read what I wrote, I find myself wondering
if I could be pushing so hard that I might be so
tired I could miss something and that it could wind
up costing me more because of it.

The fact that I tried to be careful, but things still
didn't happen the way I wanted them to is so many
things in my life in general, but especially the last
year. Despite being careful, things took an undesired
turn.

I wonder if in going back there is a cost, too? So
maybe there are things that I was "supposed" to
get to, but didn't. If I try to go back and get them,
is that unwise, or a problem? Maybe I just need to
keep moving forward, and do what I can to stay
"awake" to be where I am supposed to be.

That makes me think that maybe the first part could
be more about being less conscious about things
in the past. Maybe it isn't that I will miss something,
but rather that I have already missed things, and
it is telling me that there is no going back without
great difficulty.

The fact that I was in unknown territory, and
uncertain about the "neighborhood" being safe
is interesting, too. Our unconscious considers
the unknown to be unsafe, and would often try
to stop us from going to new places and having
new experiences.

I guess it was a good thing that I somehow persevered.

At the same time, the bus or car or whatever it was
would have gotten me wherever I needed to go in
a more expedient way. However I was determined
to take the train. I didn't want to pay the cost for the
expediency.

Is there a cost to be more expedient? Is it a good
cost? or a bad one? I just know I didn't want it. I
knew I couldn't afford to make that choice.

As I think about it, there are some choices I could
have potentially made to be expedient in regard to
getting money. But they were choices I felt I could
not afford to make. It certainly has made things much
more challenging for me.

It also is moving me forward - instead of taking me
back (which those things would have done in the
dream). It was where I was "supposed" to be. But
at the same time, I don't ever recall it being a place
that I necessarily wanted  to be.

Hmmmm....