I have thought about how people might perceive all of these images that I share. I would imagine some may think me very narcissistic.
I think in the past I may have explained why I do to some degree, but I am not sure if I ever have, at length. I keep thinking I want to...and now it would seem it is as good a time as any.
So...
Where to begin?
I guess I could start by saying that there are not many images of me throughout my life. I have spent a lot of time being "camera shy." I have often preferred to be the photographer, in the background, or disappearing when photo time came along.
When I was in high school I did not want a senior picture in the yearbook. I went to a small boarding school, and they told me no way could I not have my picture in the senior section (seniors were given their own page). I was never happy about pictures of me being taken.
Even professionally, up until more recent times, you could hear my voice, but don't ask to see more than a still image which is likely the one best of hundreds taken.
In addition, I always felt ugly. A picture would just prove how ugly I was. There are lots of things that would go into that assessment, not the least of which is the extra weight I have carried around most of my life.
Then there is the part of me that always just wanted to hide, and be in the background. In high school I loved theatre, as long as I was backstage, stage managing. I never wanted to act and get in front of an audience myself. In order to become a Thespian, I had to do something on stage. Everyone knew I didn't want to.
So what did I do?
We had a student directed play that had heroes and villains, and the audience was supposed to "hiss" and "boo" and cheer the characters on. I was sitting in front of the stage, covered by something, and raised the appropriate cue card at the appropriate time.
Of course these are all parts of the "story" of me. They could have been pieces of other peoples' lives and not have had the same profound effects as they did on me. Isn't life that way, though? Don't we do just that? We take a piece of something and make it into something else. Two people could have essentially the same piece, but wind up going in two different directions.
So what happened when cancer announced itself in my life?
At first I really want to hide. At first I pull in. I want nothing to do with much of anyone or anything. I was still cautious. I was still metered in my actions.
Slowly I start to realize that I want a record of what is going on with me. Some take pictures of themselves every day for years. I decided to always take pictures the days I was going to treatment.
Then, as I got the wigs, occasionally I would take pictures to make myself feel better. It is amazing what a wig, some Photoshop, and make up can do. I would go from looking tired and sick and with no hair to looking really nice...after a bunch of pictures, that is...but no where near the number I used to take.
I also found myself seeing beauty where I didn't before. I also found myself looking better than I used to. Part of that probably has something to do with the make-up. I had stopped wearing as much before cancer showed up. I also didn't always have the desire to take as many as I used to, either.
Add to that, being able to use my creativity was a plus. I liked being able to Photoshop the images some. I thought if the celebs could do it, why couldn't I? Some images were Photoshopped more than others. Some I liked keeping fairly close to what they truly were. The image above: Photoshopped for effect. Probably never would have guessed, right? :P
Another piece of the time spent with cancer and taking images was a way for me to say I AM HERE. I am present in the world. LOOK AT ME. SEE ME. I AM PRESENT. Actually it was probably more of me screaming it, given the caps!
I went from wanting to hide, to wanting to leave something of me and my presence in the world. I went from wanting to be invisible to wanting to make a mark. It was still uncomfortable. But it felt right to do.
As I have done these images I have often wondered if I could do the same for other women who need the kind of pick me up that I give myself. I have wondered if I could help with makeup or with wig choice or with taking or editing images.
It is something that stews in the back of my mind. If it would help someone, and I could do it, I would be all for it. The thing is, though, one time I took a picture of myself that my then roommate liked. She wanted one for herself. Problem was when I went to take pictures of her, she had no patience. We might have taken a dozen, and that was probably generous. And she didn't like any of them.
I get what I get, and you see what you see, because I have patience and am willing to take picture after picture after picture. Many of them look similar, but vary a bit in how the smile looks, or where my eyes are looking, or the look in my eyes. One little thing can make a big difference.
An added benefit of all of this is that I am getting more comfortable with others filming me or taking pictures of me. I am sure there are other lessons in here, and other things of note. However I find beauty in the fact that I now find beauty in who I am - even if it is an enhanced version of me, and I am loving sharing the parts of my experience that I CAN control.
PS In regard to the conversation about being in pictures, I saw this blog recently. I love what she wrote. Perhaps you will, too.
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