Feeling Invisible

I saw someone post something on Facebook today
about feeling invisible. It was interesting for me
to see it since I have felt something similar more
than once in my life, and especially in recent months.

I wanted to say something that would help. But I
really didn't know what that would be. Some people
I am sure will see that, and do nothing. All too often
not knowing what to do translates into doing nothing.

I know it sucks to feel/be ignored by others. Knowing it is more about them and their distractions doesn't help. In the midst of suckiness, it is sometimes impossible to see anything in front of you but what is there. Boy do I know. I wish I knew the answer to things like this, but the closest I have come is that I have learned something by the way things were. I hope things feel better soon.

And when those who read what the person wrote,
and then do nothing, it only feeds the feeling that
precipitated the posting in the first place.

If you ever want to know what it feels like to be
ignored or forgotten or treated like you don't exist,
find yourself in the midst of something that people
don't know how to handle. Then, on top of the fact
that people are off doing their own thing, they will
have added incentive not to interact with you.

In some odd way, it is almost reassuring to me to
know that I am not the only person who has ever
felt like that - even when not dealing with the label
of cancer.

There have been times in my life pre-diagnosis I
really questioned whether it mattered if I was "here,"
or not. Would anyone really care or notice if I was
gone?

When I used to spend a lot more time on Twitter
people would come and go all of the time. I would
sometimes wonder if the person was OK. There
weren't always ways to find out.

I would wonder if I ever stopped being on there if
anyone would care or notice. Funny thing is that
people noticed, as per what they say now, but those
I wasn't connected with outside of Twitter never
reached out to me outside of Twitter, despite my
contact info being in several places, had they wanted
to reach out.

It is not to say that these people didn't care. But they
just went on with their lives. We are all incredibly
self-centered. I think we sometimes - more than others -
we do a better job of showing care for others outside
of ourselves. But even then, I think there are some
very self-centered motivations.

(Not judging it. Just observing it. It also sounds better
to say we are doing things for others, when in actuality
we may really be doing it to make ourselves feel good.
Not a bad thing, per se, but one thing I question/consider.)

Interestingly, I think it is the times that we become
acutely aware of how we feel or are being treated that
may have us wake up to how another may feel.

To anyone who is feeling invisible, believe me when
I tell you I have a fairly good sense of how you must
feel. And I do know it SUCKS in worse ways than
words could possibly ever convey and in ways that
those around you may not understand.

There are no words that can fix it, or make it better,
and tears may need to fall, and you may need to scream,
to holler, to hurt. But on the other side there is another
side. On the other side there is understanding. On the
other side is a way to connect with others in a whole
new way.

I realize that there may feel like there is nothing but
darkness or despair at the moment. Boy do I know.
The worst thing anyone would ever tell me in a
moment like that is that it will all be ok because it
certainly does not feel that way right then.

And right then is all that matters. It is all I can see,
hear, taste, touch, smell. Nothing else matters but the
pain I feel. Nothing.

But then in that big, huge, dark void that I am overwhelmed
by comes a small glimmer of light. Sometimes it may be the
sheer exhaustion I feel that allows for it, or maybe even the
tears. But it comes.

Just hang on. It will come.

You will never know why you felt this way until you
get to the other side. You may still not quite understand,
but at least once you are on the other side this seeming
Mountain of Darkness that you face will seem like the
smallest of molehills.

I tell you this as a reminder for myself. I tell you this
because I can only imagine the next time I find myself
in that pit. I don't really know if the words will mean
anything, but as my last blog talked about, you really
gotta start somewhere.

So...

If you are there, know that in a world of a billion plus people,
you are likely not there alone, it just may feel like it.