Fascinated.

I am fascinated by the things that this experience called cancer has been teaching me.

I am fascinated by the reaction of people who
have no clue about what it is like, as well as the
reaction of those who do know and remain silent.

I feel like there is a possible sense of shame that
surrounds those dealing with cancer.  I can't
obviously speak for anyone else, but it is very
difficult for me time and time and time and time
again to ask for help.

It is an impossible situation, at best.  And I find
myself wondering if people may be thinking, "there
she goes again."

I found out tonight that it is not uncommon for those
who have to deal with cancer over long, extended
periods to have friends and family walk away because there is no end in sight.  "When is it going to be over?!"

I get it.  I do.

At the same time.  What if it was you?  What if you were
the 1 in 3 woman or 1 in 2 men that will be affected by
cancer in your lifetime?  How would you want people
to be around you?  I seriously doubt you would be
prepared for the range of response you would get -
most of which wouldn't be all that helpful, and even be
in the range of avoidance.

How would you feel if suddenly who you knew yourself
to be ceased to exist in a moment?  If suddenly you could
no longer work, or working was a real challenge.  If you
found those you depended on disappearing.  If vacations
became non-existent, or you had to find ways to do things
where you didn't have to worry about whether you would
urgently need a restroom or rest - provided you even had
the money to travel.

What if the money you counted on to pay your bills stopped
because you lost your job, and to further complicate things,
your spouse either left you or was by your side so much
that s/he lost their job?  What would you do to survive?
Where would you live?  How would you eat? And what
if you had kids?

This isn't a pretty picture, I know.  And it is one that so
many look at, and are often intimidated or overwhelmed
into doing...nothing.

Not one thing.

I understand.  I understand because I was there.  If I
couldn't do much, I did nothing.

Interestingly, I have surpassed 7,000 views on this blog
as of yesterday.

If every single time someone viewed a blog of mine they
gave me $1.00, I would have $7,000.  Even if they just
gave me .50, I would have $3,500.  Even if it was just
a quarter, I would still have almost $2,000.  Do you know
what even half of that would mean to me?

There are so many issues around this thing called cancer.
I would sooo love to change the conversation around it.

I would so love for people to see the person behind the
disease instead of the disease itself.  One of the problems
is, though, is that many don't feel safe having a public
"cancer face."  As a result, there is much those who
don't have a clue about it continue to not have a clue.

The reality of cancer is covered up by a need to protect
oneself from the reaction of those they come into contact
with.

It is not pleasant to be treated like you have the plague.

I know.

Instead of shutting up, though, it makes me want to talk
more.  It makes me want to express more.  It makes me
want to do whatever it takes for "you" (whoever that
may be) to understand that it is OK to fear the disease;
but do you really want to reject those you care about in
the process?  Do you really want to say you care while
you sit by and do nothing?

Do you really want a disease that robs people of so much
to rob you of a relationship and person that you care about?

I know it's not easy.

I have been called selfish in regard to my situation.  I have
been told that it has been all about me, and what I want.
Even if you understand that, it would likely be difficult
for days and months (and years?) to interact with someone
who needs to be that kind of selfish.

But no one ever said life was supposed to be easy.  And yet
things that seem to be troublesome are things we avoid like
crazy, trying to pretend they don't exist.

What if the life we have is the one we signed up for?  What
if the experience of caring for another gives us something in
the process of extending ourselves?  What if the act of
communicating how we are feeling as we mumble and
grumble our way through the things that drive us crazy is
something we learn from?

What if we are shorting ourselves from some of life's gold
when we act like things are not what they are?

I don't know what the answers to any of these questions are.
I am just really good at asking them.  I just know what it
feels like to be on the "cancer side."  I don't know what it
is like to interact with someone who is like me, but I can
guess.  I have also heard from others the types of challenges
there can be.

What I do know, though, is that there is room for a change.
What I do know is that there are living, breathing souls that
need love and support and are being avoided and ignored.
What I do know is that most likely those who are doing the
avoiding and ignoring would not want to be on the receiving
end of that type of treatment themselves.  And I would
further venture a guess that there are some who feel badly,
and maybe even guilty, for how they are being.

You can only be the best you can be at any given moment.
And there are reasons that we are who and how we are.
There are reasons that things are perceived the way they
are, and at least with knowledge can come some understanding
and with some understanding there may come some change.

We can't change
something we are afraid of,
don't know,
or don't
understand.

It is that reason, among the others I have already expressed,
that I write this blog.  If you become aware of things, and don't
do anything any differently, that is up to you.  However, I
wouldn't mind if something that I or someone else said about
cancer and its experience had you see things in a way that
would allow you to shift your relationship with it.  I would
hope that you would never need to know what I share, but
if you ever did, I would have to hope there would be some
benefit that would come out of it for you.

We all will one day die.  We will never know when or what
will cause it.  Death is inevitable and cancer is an all too real
reminder of that fact.  And instead of running away from it,
one might consider using as a reminder to run toward life,
and to live it as fully and completely as possible, which
includes loving those you care about and might even
mean loving and taking care of someone who has been
affected by this disease.

If I thought that running away from it would help someone
in some way, I would say go for it.  But I can tell you first
hand that my avoidance of it in the past did not help me to
avoid getting my chance to experience it.

As odd as it may sound, given everything that I have gone
through, and continue to go through, it is an experience that
had brought me to myself in ways nothing else probably
could have.  And for that I am incredibly grateful.

I am also grateful to be able to share these words and my
experience with others.  I would like to think in a big picture,
but I will feel good to know that even if I helped only a person
or two in my sharing, I will feel my mission a success.

You never know what is possible until you share yourself
with another, and I am also grateful for what this experience
has offered me in terms of allowing myself to express more
of who I am to the world, which allows me to be more of
me in the world.

I wish I could say it was easy. But if I did I would be lying.
But the thing is that at this point for better, or for worse,
there is no turning back.

I have no idea where I am headed.  But if anything I say
resonates for you, you are welcome to come along.  I just ask
that you talk with me.  While I know people are visiting "me,"
I don't know how much you appreciate, or skim over, or...

Part of the reason I share this is to get a conversation going,
to get people engaged.  To get people thinking. I don't
expect that people will agree with me.  Quite frankly, I
don't care if you do.  But what I do care about is the
conversation, and I would like to get people talking about
this "dirty little secret" so much that it ceases to have the
power it seems to have at the moment over people's lives.

Thanks as always for "listening," and if you believe that there
is value in what I have shared/am sharing, please share my blog
with others.  Help me to put more kindle in the fire.  Help me
to help others.

(I hope it will never be the case but...)
in the process you may one day help yourself.