The Hits Just Keep on Coming

Today I didn't do much. I couldn't do much.
My body ached. I was really tired.

I really didn't feel like I could push through it,
at all.

It is now 8:00, and I hadn't had dinner. I went
downstairs to get something to eat and was
greeted with so much *good* news.

I got a lovely bill from my doctors I wasn't
expecting. It is the second in the last couple
of weeks. I haven't paid the first one, yet,
uncertain if I want to use my credit card to
pay it. And now I have one to buddy up with
it, so it's not lonely.

How wonderful.

Then I got a letter from a credit card company.
It is a credit card I haven't been using. I don't
really understand why, even though they tell
me - it doesn't make much sense to me, but
they have decided to close my account.

One of the reasons they state is that I have too
much debt. Apparently they don't like my ratio,
even though my credit score at the moment
happens to be the best it has been in the last
several years.

I *LOVE* when credit card companies do this
kind of thing. They only make the ratio freaking
worse.

At least I got my new car registration that I
already put the money out for last week. And
you know how much I wanted to do that, right?

So...

Even if I want to use my credit cards to try to
save me, I may not soon have any to use.

I saw a movie scene. It was one in which there
was no talking. You see the character come into
the room. She hasn't done much all day. She is
in a robe. It is dark, and past dinner time. You
know she came to get something to eat. You
see her open the mail one by one with all of
this great news. She doesn't even sit down.

At some point, she just stands there in the middle
of the kitchen, her head in her hands, as she shakes
it back and forth, somehow wishing she could
shake all of the problems away. You see her
shoulders rise in deep breaths. And then she
just turns around, puts the hood up on the robe
and just leaves the mail on the counter, and goes
back upstairs - back to bed.

It is a great scene, isn't it?

I am sitting here, shaking my head as I type.
I don't know what to do. I walk a line in regard
to asking for help that I hate walking. It is one
I know that no one wants to hear about. For
anyone who has paid attention, it probably seems
like I have been asking for help forever. In
actuality, it may be 6 months.

I know on Facebook 80% of what is posted
supposedly is never seen. If that is the case,
many of my requests have gone unnoticed.

The last time I asked for help, I got some, but
it wasn't enough for me to stop asking. As a
matter of fact, the money I received helped to
cover the non-monthly, unexpected expenses
that showed up.

I wish it had been enough for me to stop asking.
Or I wish life had suddenly started to come to
a place that I had things turned around and
didn't have to ask so that this ugly, messy part
of my life that no one wants to hear about would
be behind me.

But unfortunately that hasn't been the case.
At least, not yet.

I saw something today that said that coming from
a desperate place in terms of work is not a good
place to come from. It was suggested that one get
a job, instead.

That is all well and good. The problem is that I
don't know that I could do a job right now. As
a matter of fact, a friend had suggested that maybe
I could do something for her and her business
partner, and get paid for it.

Interestingly, over a week ago I had a conversation
with both of them on the phone, and I have yet to
hear a peep. Did I miss something? I probably
should ask. At the same time, this particular friend
can be pretty persistent.

My money, if I was a betting woman, would be on
the fact that I think her partner wasn't interested. I
was honest about what is going on with me, and it
painted a less than ideal picture. At the same time,
I would be honest about what they could expect -
or not expect - from me. All things considered,
depending on what they wanted, I did think I could
be of help.

I could be totally wrong about what is going on in
regard to them. Quite frankly, I hope I am.

At the same time, it would not have been that much
money for the work I would have been doing, so
between that and the fact that I have limited energy,
I have chosen not to focus on it.

I have a weird sense of pride, too. You may not think
I do, given the fact that I have begged and begged
again. But my friend knows that I am interested. I
spent time talking to them. If there is an interest on
their part, she will let me know.

If I was a betting woman, I would also bet money
that if my friend's partner isn't interested, my friend
now feels like she is in an awkward position.

Again. I would love to be wrong, and when I have
the energy to find out what is going on, I will.

Once I have directly asked someone for help, I am
reluctant to ask again. Although there have been cases
where I have asked a second time. But after that it
becomes a bit too awkward for me - especially if my
request is totally and completely ignored, and left
unresponded to.

It is easier for me to ask in a broad, public stroke
than it is to further humiliate myself in regard to
another one-on-one request. I don't want to say
humiliate. However it is the word that came to
mind, so it must be what I feel.

I guess a public request is less humiliating somehow.

This freaking sucks. Sorry. But it does.