asked me how I was. I was in the
middle of freaking out and sending
out personal emails to people asking
for help.
I could have just avoided the person,
but I decided that I would be "bold"
and tell him exactly how I was
(acknowledging that I was being bold),
and what I was doing and sent him a
copy of the letter I had written.
A few times he asked me questions
like if I was OK, and things that
had me telling him my situation.
Recently he replied to me again, and
said that I was "in your face" about
money and cancer. That everything I
said was about money and cancer, and
that even a video he had watched was
all about money.
I don't know which video he watched,
but I am not sure that I have any
video that is all about money...except,
maybe, for one I made specifically for
that purpose.
I could be wrong, as I do not remember
everything I do, but I am fairly certain
that is the case. However, even if I am
wrong, I want to say...so what?
I do not do what I do in regard to my
videos or blogs to entertain anyone. I
do them to create a history for me. I
do them to share my experience with others
so they know they are not alone. I do it
for a variety of reasons, none of which
dictate that I should be a certain way -
any way - but myself.
I realize that in the process of doing
what I do, it is going to rub people the
wrong way. After all, we are used to the
"process" of being a certain way in regard
to someone. We are used to the public mask
and niceties.
I have struggled with this approach in
recent months, as my situation has worsened.
I have struggled with it because when
something comes along and tells you that
time may be shorter than you think, you
have little patience for the games. You
want to get straight to the point. You
don't have time to mess around. You need
help, and you need it NOW.
I realize this approach can be off putting.
At the same time, you learn to keep going
and not to take it personally, even though
it still sucks when things like this happen.
I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way.
I really don't. But how can one in a
predicament like mine know how best to do
what they need to do? If I just sat back
and tried to figure out the "best way" I
would likely not have what I have gotten.
I think it is easier to sit back and plan
and be patient when you have the illusion
that there is time do so.
He hit a nerve, and I wound up writing him
a response. What I wrote I believe might
be helpful insight for others, so I am
going to share it below.
As with anything, I know I am not perfect.
In no way would I ever say I was. There is
always more to the story. However I share
this as a way of sharing some perspective.
You never know when someone you are dealing
with has a lot more going on that you may
realize,or want to know. A little compassion
can go a long way.
I know it is an awkward thing on so many
levels, but if something someone does makes
us uncomfortable, it might even be more so
for them.
Do I wish to be the way I am? Do I wish to
be talking money and cancer and desperation?
What do you think?
**
Here is what I wrote:
You asked what the matter was with me...I didn't quite know what you meant. So I told you what my situation was in summary. I am sorry that we got off on the wrong foot. There is more to me than what you seem to be getting, at the same time, it is very much a part of my life right now. There is at times an urgency and at other times sheer terror.
It is a difficult situation to be in, and I hope that no one I ever know (including you) ever has to be where I stand, because it is one that sucks in more ways than I can ever relay. I get tired of "begging" for help and for money, but when you are running out, and don't see how you will get more, and you are possibly going to have to move, and not know where you are going to go, and just had to apply for food stamps, and hope and pray that somehow, some way, things are going to work out, it is going to have to come out - and often in less than "pretty" or comfortable ways.
My blog - and my goal - is to share this experience with others in its rawest form because I really think that many don't have a clue of what I, and unfortunately, many others are facing. I can pretend like everything is OK, but it is not. Yes it is ugly. But it is what it is. I would not be as I am if the situation was not so desperate. Having said that, I know we don't know each other, so I don't expect anything from you. I don't even get help from many that I know.
I was just telling you how things are. I have learned throughout this that sometimes you just gotta take a chance. I have also learned that time isn't always - or often - on your side. It seems often better to get to the point sooner rather than later. If it scares people off, then it is not the right connection to be made. If they stick around, then maybe it is a good one. Not to judge it as in "good" or "bad" but just as in that is how it falls. Not every person is made for another person or situation, and that is OK.
Not sure what else to say. But it is late and I am beyond exhausted, so I will leave it at that.
Have a good night/day.
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