Missing in Translation

Feeling anxious and unsettled.

I sat here for a few minutes,
breathing deeply and focusing
on grounding myself.

I am thinking it was probably a
few too few, as I still feel
anxious. I feel on the edge of
my seat.

I feel like that feeling of urgency
is back, although I am not sure
it ever really leaves.

I have such a long list of things
to do that never seems to get
shorter. I have a shortage of
energy that only increases when
it feels like it.

There is no rhyme or reason or
rhythm to how I feel from moment
to moment much less with each
passing day.

I know others would say that
they, too, feel this way - and
cancer and chemo aren't in
their every day vocabulary
and awareness.

They would try to tell me they
"know how it feels." I, too, would
have done the same at some point
in my life.

This feeling is what you feel -
but it is nothing like it. And I
only know because of the
comparison - the perspective -
I have from being there and now
being here.

It is not the same as it was. But
there is a similarity that is multiplied
and divided and adds up to something
different.

It is hard to explain. And yet I feel
I must try. I feel like a person who
speaks in English in a non-English
speaking country.

It is that person - the English speaker -
who must figure out how to get what
she needs, and figure out how to be
heard.

That person needs to know whatever
she can about hand symbols and
gestures and an occasional word in
order to convey what is going on
within her and to express her needs
and to hope that whoever she comes
into contact with can understand.

Those who are native to the land she
is in likely will have zero interest, or
maybe even a need, to understand her
and what she is going through. And
likely there are many that come through
speaking in a way they don't understand.

They just shrug it off,
and go on with
their life.

There will be a rare person who speaks
the language and may even be a willing
translator. At which time both sides are
likely grateful as they both get something
from the interaction.

Only the one who has a need and is
trying to communicate usually knows
what value there is in a connection. The
one who is on the other end, the one who
doesn't understand what this other person
needs or wants and it likely doesn't affect
them, doesn't realize what they may be
missing out by not understanding.

It occurs to me that I have spent time in a
foreign country in the last several months,
and I have learned a different language,
one that I now have a fluency in.

The country has become my home, and
the language is as natural to me now
than the one that I left. And I can see
where there are great variances.

It also occurs to me that because I now
do cancerspeak, I have an opportunity
to be a cancer translator.

The thing about being a translator, though,
is that going from one language to another
is not always easy. There are various shades
in one language that are not always expressed
in other languages.

Even two English speakers do not always
know what is being said between them.
We are translating machines that are only
perfect in one world - and that is the one of
our own making.

At the same time, I am driven to explain
things and to do what I can to express
however I can the shadows and shades of
those who have become the citizens of
cancerland.

It is only through the prospect of understanding
that those who are in need may get it because
others will act on what they think they know
which will not likely, or necessarily, be helpful
to someone who is dealing with cancer and its
effects.

I now know why all those years ago I never
worked with cancer patients. I had considered
doing it, but didn't know if I could express myself
in a way that would be helpful. I would have had
the best of intentions, but I think there would have
been a piece missing.

And despite the fact that there are many helpful
people in the land of those who treat people like
me, many of them are looking to create from a
place of never having had to deal with cancer
themselves. Many of them do not truly understand
how it feels and can only hope and guess that
what they offer will be of benefit.

This is not to take away from any potential
value, but rather to point to the fact that there
is something potentially missing in translation.