As I said in a recent video, I have been thinking about "A" a lot.
Too much. I really must be processing things now as I have hit
upon a thought that keeps repeating.
It has to do with the fact that I don't think we ever really got to
see what an "us" would be like. Without going into much detail,
we didn't get very far before my cancer diagnosis struck.
As a result, much of what he experienced of me wasn't really me.
As I was being treated, I kept thinking that I couldn't wait to see
how things would be with us after I started to get to be myself
again. I looked forward to doing things that I didn't feel in a
position to do. I looked forward to not feeling like crap when we
talked. I looked forward to not looking like crap when he saw me.
I looked forward to learning more about him, and him learning
more about me.
There is so much he doesn't know about me. So many things I
looked forward to sharing. I looked forward to something that
never got to come to pass.
I find myself questioning things now. I wonder if he thought that
who I was was this shell of a person I had become. I thought all
along that he wasn't treating me differently, as others had, but it
seemed that he did indeed treat me differently.
It makes me really sad. I almost think I am mourning the loss of
something that could have been perhaps more than for loss of
what was.
What was I at least had.
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