It was kind of fun. I never dared to touch it when it was cut by someone else, always afraid that I would ruin the cut. Given the way my hair is currently, there really is little risk of that.
I really just trimmed it. I tried to even it out some. It looked a lot better than it had been looking. But it still isn't a "style" I would feel comfortable wearing out. And I didn't really touch the back, given that I can't see back there.
I decided to note the moment with a picture. In case it wasn't obvious to you, the image to the left is it.
At some point I will get a "real" cut, but that will likely wait til June-ish. Until then, onward and downward (as in the direction my hair will start to grow).
(I know- not the best play on words, LOL. But you can't blame me for trying.)
I also took a picture yesterday, with my hair wet. It seems my hair likes to go back and/or up, so it takes an effort to make it go forward.
I took the picture to document where things stand/stood at this stage in the game. I also thought having a "real" picture of me, without Photoshop or filters or make up, would be a good thing, too.
It is kind of a strange look on my face. Can you tell what I was thinking about? I think part of it was how dorky I thought I looked. Me trying to look somewhat "normal" and not thinking I was really succeeding.
(What the heck is that? )
I look at the picture and I see someone who is doing the best she can with what she's got. But I do sometimes wonder if it's enough.
Am I enough?
As I was posting this entry I started to think about what I would do if I had to deal with cancer again. You may wonder why I am thinking about that/wondering about that. There is stuff going on in my body.
It is really hard to think it could just be stuff and not think of it as being something like cancer stuff. I know I was told I was OK when I last went to my treatment place. But things are happening that I don't think are good. Would they know if something else was happening? One would hope so, right?
I go back again for my 3-month check-up in a couple of weeks. I will be curious to see what will come from that visit. I even contemplated asking if I could move it up a bit.
I also had a thought about my financial situation. I am sure that can't come as much of a surprise. I am still not out of the woods. As a matter of fact, I am more deeply in them. I was thinking what would happen if something happened again? I was thinking that it would make living life very difficult. I was thinking it would be an interesting "plot" to see if I would live or die, based on whether or not I got support from others to live.
It would have to be financial support, or support that in some way substituted for financial, but gave me what I needed. And there would be a deadline. If a certain goal was not met by the deadline, I would consider my life done. Complete. Over. And the reason I would do this would be because the drive for support would be couched in the idea that if people thought it was worth me being around, and that I contributed to the world, they would want me to be here.
I would do everything I could to make my case. I would give everything I could to anyone I could. I would just be the only me I knew how to be.
It would also be clear to those who became aware of me and what was going on that if I did not get the support I needed, that it would indeed be the end of the road for me. So if they saw value in my being here, and in my life, they would have to act. If they didn't act, it would be apparent that there wasn't any perceived value in my being here, so it would make sense to go.
As I imagine a "plot" for this, I could think about the people it would upset. I could think about the conversations that would ensue.
I think it could make for an interesting script.
It would be interesting because I could also see the deadline come and go with not enough support, only to have someone who could help, and wanted to help, but it would be too late. I could see the questions it could raise. I could see the things it might offer in terms of perspective. I could see how we as people may never know how much we could truly make a difference in the world until it is too late. I could see how people could see something in how they take others for granted until it is too late. I could see how strangers can value us more than those we know, and sometimes more than we value ourselves.
I could see a lot of pieces.
Including my own desire to be here. My own feeling of responsibility to myself and the things I need to do.
But I could also see it being the ultimate in marketing experiences and experiments. Marketers will tell you that you need to give people what they want, or you won't have a successful business. Steve Jobs gave people what he thought they should have, and made them want it.
If a person's life is a "product," how successful is it?
What defines its success?
What tells it whether there is value in it, or not?
Who decides how much value there is?
Who decides how it is packaged and presented?
As usual, I started one place, and ended up another.
I don't believe I ever would do what I imagine and have described above. But the thought of it certainly fascinates my imagination and has stimulated my mind.
However, my financial situation still needs help, and in a month, my health insurance goes up. If you can please, please, please share my blog, share my story, ask for help on my behalf (even if it is just $1 which you can donate through Paypal) or even help me yourself, please do.
If there is anything I can do for you, I will. Just ask. There are many things I am capable of, and you can either spend the time to get to know me, or just give me a call and we can discuss the possibilities. I would much rather work for the money than beg for it. But when work isn't available, I will do what I can. I will offer what I can, and - I will beg.
Thanks for listening.
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