It was such an interesting array of things.
For starters, as I was driving to a networking meeting, I was thinking about "A." For some reason - unbeknownst to me - he has been on my mind.
I keep wondering why I am thinking about him. What happened between us at the "end" was quite painful for me - and it was all about him. I know he doesn't see it that way, but it doesn't stop me from experiencing it that way.
I thought about the things that I didn't like about him, and I found myself trying to talk myself out of liking him. I found myself saying, "Well, I didn't like that, so it was probably for the best."
The thing is, though, even in the best of situations, you are never going to find the "perfect" person. Something will probably always bother you about the person you care about. So thinking about doesn't help, really.
I know he did me a favor by walking away. I know that logically. But that doesn't help me emotionally. He was someone that I depended on a great deal. Tonight was talk about networks, and we were told to list 5 people we considered a part of our network. I found myself thinking there would have been a time in the not so distant past he would have not only have been on the list, he would have been #1.
It made me really sad.
I don't need him in my life. I don't "need" anyone. But the thing is that I really want someone. But another thing is that I am really hurting. The other day someone saw the video I entitled Love: A Poem, and he thought I was talking about "A." I wasn't. I was talking about someone who came before him.
When I love, I love deeply. When I love, I love cautiously. The thing is, though, that even in loving cautiously I have found myself hurting deeply. I don't know if you can love deeply without risking the pain of the other side.
And each time I am finding myself hurt, I have been able, in time, to move on. Move on, and open myself up to someone new. To someone who in some ways is even better than the last person I felt deeply about it. It has been a great gift, but not one that hasn't come without incredible, deep pain.
Those that I find myself loving the way that I do seem to go on with their life like nothing ever happened. They just walk away. They make other choices. And I get left standing here going, "What the heck happened?"
I am really in touch with the pain tonight. Maybe I haven't fully grieved. Just like the arrival of cancer and the surgery, it all happened so quickly. When "A" said it was over, it was also the beginning of the whirlwind of me trying to get myself back on my feet. I may not have fully been able to absorb what happened.
My head knows it is a good thing, but my heart still seems to be grieving.
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